Embrace that which is–

renai_616Don’t usually blog this early in the evening, but Kira has an amazing tendency to keep hitting a note in my heart that I can’t and don’t want to shake. It reminds me that who I am inside is very real, not a phase or a passing curiosity. It reaffirms that what has been going on in my heart and soul for years is not a lie or a product of over-exposure to such things as anime.

Though, given the fact that I’ve been struggling with this long before I ever dived into Japan and the anime fandom, that really shouldn’t be a issue of mine.

Her entry, Contemplation, speaks about discovering an equilibrium between being male and female that should ultimately lead to simply being one. Pure. Whole. Without a second thought or conscious distinction made in any respect. These thoughts have plagued me in the past weeks. Probably even longer. The thought that I’m “trying too hard” or that I want to “pass” have become very real concerns for me. Mainly because I don’t want give a shit about either, but still hold them on a fucking pedestal every time I have a chance to be me.

Ren’Ai.

The girl/woman/female I’ve been hiding and denying for years upon years. Off and on. Within the history of this blog’s existence and beyond.

Kira’s following entry speaks clearly of my concerns as well. Realizing she had fallen back into “boy-mode” and resenting what had been drilled into her for so long, naturally, would cause immense disgust and displeasure. Disgust and displeasure that I too have felt in my own life. Not reacting or speaking according to my true feelings and thoughts because the “male” decides that it’s not necessary. Little by little, I’m finding the intricacies of my denial and doing everything possible to kill them. And yet, I struggle daily in silence, feeling as though I’m beneath a microscope that forces me to keep up appearances, ultimately making it impossible to kill what needs to be killed so I can live and love in fullness.

More than ever, I can’t stand being this way. I can’t stand not just being me, when I swear that I know who I am so well. I can’t stand being a hypocrite, saying I don’t care about what people think while finding myself in “boy-mode” all over again.

As Kira wrote:

Overcoming years of behavior is the hardest thing I have had to do. Some times it is just easier to go through the motions, to kick into autopilot and faze out.

But easier comes at a cost.

It feels like I lose a piece of my soul every time I do it.

I feel like a liar. Or I’m not committing enough. Or I’m not willing to sacrifice enough. I don’t need approval, but…I don’t want to be seen as something I’m not either.

Who would I be if I were truly able to let go and be me. I really can’t even imagine. All I know is that the more steps I’ve been taking, the bolder I have become in embracing that which is me.

I’m so very self-conscious, quiet, and easily spurred on by jealousy of others who are further along than I, but blogging, knowing that there is someone out there who understands and is willing to listen to me, is very nice to have for once. I kept myself and this blog sheltered for so long because I was afraid of reaching out and grabbing air. To be honest, I don’t know how in the world I was even found…

When did I become so unconfident…? Oh right. Uncertainty.

If I could sit and have a talk with Kira one day, I have a feeling I’d learn so much that would touch on a myriad of heights & depths of emotion. And yet, if there were ever a public meeting of the transgendered sort…

…I’d likely hesitate to make an appearance.

Though, at least, I know that much is me, no matter what I look like.

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5 thoughts on “Embrace that which is–

  1. Ren’Ai,
    If you wanted to make a girl blush, you have more than succeeded. That anything I have written could touch someone in such a way is something I honestly never could have imagined.
    This post has touched me deeply and I simply don’t know how to respond other than to say “Thank you.”
    I hope that I can continue to touch not just you, but others as we all move forward on our journeys of discovery.

    Again, thank you so much,
    Kira

    1. Kira,
      It’s true. You really have, and your openness and honesty about your experiences continue to reveal to me pieces of myself that I may have unconsciously belittled or swept underneath the rug. Also, your unique situation is one that I respect and hope to learn from. You have an adorable, creative soul and I’m happy to have brought you a drop of happiness that has touched you as well. Hopefully, equally as much. All of us in this boat need all the support we can get, I think.

      And before I forget, I love your display pic. Fell in love with it the first time I received a “Like” from you, but kept forgetting to mention that. 😉

      1. Have you read “But A Moment In Time”? Your words were one of the reasons I felt compelled to write it.

        I want to reply to your comment properly, but I’m afraid I’m falling asleep at the keyboard, so I had better try later today if that’s okay.

        Kira

  2. Ren’Ai,
    Sorry it took so long to get back to you,
    Things were sort of hectic here today, and if I sound a little loopy, well I managed to get 2 hours of sleep since last night… yeah, it’s been that kind of day.
    There are many things that we can miss or think unimportant that later come back to bite us. When you think of all the things that buzz around in our heads, it’s a wonder we don’t walk into traffic by accident.
    The other problem is focusing on the wrong issues, not that they are important, not that we shouldn’t take time to think on them, but it can be the wrong time to let them come to the forefront.
    My thoughts on not being able to express myself physically is one of those. In truth, that is something I am going to have to work on, but shouldn’t I be working on getting my mental house in order first? I spent a great deal of time trying to understand how men’s minds work so that I could emulate them, now I have to undo all that nonsense and understand the way “I” think. It’s like trying to untangle a kite string.. one mixed and knotted with several others.
    I am also making an effort to interact with the women around me in the ways I see them doing so. I have to be very careful though, so I don’t look like I’m trying to butt in or mock them. I can’t just explain the situation and hope they understand. I have to work through this slowly.
    It often feels like I’m learning to walk again.

    And thank you for the nice words about my avatar, I wish I could claim credit for that picture, but I stumbled across it while searching on Google and knew it was the right one for me the instant I saw it.

    Kira

    1. Mhm, I read “But A Moment In Time” almost as soon as it was posted. I was hoping I had a hand in that one, but I’m not so egotistical to think I have that much influence. However, I’m thankful that I, in fact, did in some way.

      Don’t ever worry about when you can get back to me. I live a very hectic life also…I understand your meaning in getting the mind in check before everything else. Almost opposite of you, I never thought much about how to interact with guys, but rather tried (sometimes unconsciously) to avoid them. I spent much of my life around girls, learning from them, and basking in what little acceptance I could obtain. Even still, I still have these things about me that I know are masculine, and am conscious of that which I am missing as feminine. Focusing on what is important has become much more difficult.

      We both have much to unravel, and come to terms with. Regardless of that, I wish it were all much easier to not feel as though I’m trying so hard to align my heart with my head with my body. Just as you said it’s best to be careful how to interact around women, I’m careful, afraid even, of becoming tragically insincere and losing sight of myself.

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