Don’t usually blog this early in the evening, but Kira has an amazing tendency to keep hitting a note in my heart that I can’t and don’t want to shake. It reminds me that who I am inside is very real, not a phase or a passing curiosity. It reaffirms that what has been going on in my heart and soul for years is not a lie or a product of over-exposure to such things as anime.
Though, given the fact that I’ve been struggling with this long before I ever dived into Japan and the anime fandom, that really shouldn’t be a issue of mine.
Her entry, Contemplation, speaks about discovering an equilibrium between being male and female that should ultimately lead to simply being one. Pure. Whole. Without a second thought or conscious distinction made in any respect. These thoughts have plagued me in the past weeks. Probably even longer. The thought that I’m “trying too hard” or that I want to “pass” have become very real concerns for me. Mainly because I don’t want give a shit about either, but still hold them on a fucking pedestal every time I have a chance to be me.
The girl/woman/female I’ve been hiding and denying for years upon years. Off and on. Within the history of this blog’s existence and beyond.
Kira’s following entry speaks clearly of my concerns as well. Realizing she had fallen back into “boy-mode” and resenting what had been drilled into her for so long, naturally, would cause immense disgust and displeasure. Disgust and displeasure that I too have felt in my own life. Not reacting or speaking according to my true feelings and thoughts because the “male” decides that it’s not necessary. Little by little, I’m finding the intricacies of my denial and doing everything possible to kill them. And yet, I struggle daily in silence, feeling as though I’m beneath a microscope that forces me to keep up appearances, ultimately making it impossible to kill what needs to be killed so I can live and love in fullness.
More than ever, I can’t stand being this way. I can’t stand not just being me, when I swear that I know who I am so well. I can’t stand being a hypocrite, saying I don’t care about what people think while finding myself in “boy-mode” all over again.
As Kira wrote:
Overcoming years of behavior is the hardest thing I have had to do. Some times it is just easier to go through the motions, to kick into autopilot and faze out.
But easier comes at a cost.
It feels like I lose a piece of my soul every time I do it.
I feel like a liar. Or I’m not committing enough. Or I’m not willing to sacrifice enough. I don’t need approval, but…I don’t want to be seen as something I’m not either.
Who would I be if I were truly able to let go and be me. I really can’t even imagine. All I know is that the more steps I’ve been taking, the bolder I have become in embracing that which is me.
I’m so very self-conscious, quiet, and easily spurred on by jealousy of others who are further along than I, but blogging, knowing that there is someone out there who understands and is willing to listen to me, is very nice to have for once. I kept myself and this blog sheltered for so long because I was afraid of reaching out and grabbing air. To be honest, I don’t know how in the world I was even found…
When did I become so unconfident…? Oh right. Uncertainty.
If I could sit and have a talk with Kira one day, I have a feeling I’d learn so much that would touch on a myriad of heights & depths of emotion. And yet, if there were ever a public meeting of the transgendered sort…
…I’d likely hesitate to make an appearance.
Though, at least, I know that much is me, no matter what I look like.