On Sunday, my friend came by to visit. We somehow got on the conversation of my gender identity, as it is such a hot topic these days.
He made a joke about how he “didn’t know what to expect when I answered the door” referring to my crossdressing. Being frank as I am, I told him that was a one-time thing where I ‘quite honestly didn’t give a shit if someone in the house noticed and can’t wait until I live alone because of it.’
He replied with the obvious, “Does that mean you’d be 24-7?”
I shot back without a second thought, ‘I have a job. So only weekends would be full-time.’ After a moment, I continued, ‘…but I have been noticing more and more how much I’m denying myself a natural response that society would deem feminine.’
“I have been wondering how long you planned on living this double life..” he replied.
To have him say that caught me off-guard. To be honest, I’ve thought about this time and time again. How long could I possibly keep up this charade between my career and my personal life…? It makes me sad just thinking about it.
I don’t have an answer though. To have finally embraced the truth of my past – my memories, my heart, and soul as a crossdresser – has been so very liberating. I’d like to believe that I can satisfy myself like this, but if I were to ever attract a person as my true self, there’s no doubt that if they like (read: accept) me, they’re going to ask the same question: How long will you deny yourself like this?
The sad thing is, no matter how comfortable and heartfelt presenting myself as a female is to me, I feel like too much of my lifestyle has already been defined by being a biological male. I’m not sure what to do or how much I will have to sacrifice to not have to fight with myself. I’m in no way cut out to be among males, and yet I keep suffering around them. I’m just good at being male, but have no desire to even look at myself in the mirror anymore because I’m reminded that I’m going to be classified as such.
For now, I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing: Going with the flow of my heart. That is why I started this journey, and is something I have denied myself of for years for numerous reasons.
I looked through my pictures of myself all done up, and felt both happy and sad.
Frustrated and angry.
I thought I looked really cute on Friday when I went shopping with my former “blue-eyed beauty” girl friend…We had a great time browsing and talking, while finding me a nice casual outfit too; that was the original goal of the outing.
Though kind of embarrassing at times as she explained clothes to me outloud, I loved it so much.
My first real girls’ night out…