Smoke and mirrors

Time has not been on my side. That and I needed to sort myself out internally. I don’t get many visitors, but for whomever checks in, thanks for that.

Ever since my previous post, I pretty much just let what had died in me be excreted through life’s means & let something new be born. What was dead in me was my previous perceptions and motivations for crossdressing…and having them completely stomped on. Insulted. Spit upon. I probably needed that to happen – for myself, and so I could be prepared for any offline ridicule. What was born in me was a new understanding of why I am who I am and why I do what I do.

I am who I am because of nature’s direction. Yes, I spent most of my years associating very closely with females, but it wasn’t something that was forced on me by nurture. It was completely innate that I feel more comfortable around females than males. That I enjoy their company much more. That I long to be accepted by them.

I do what I do – that is, exploring the thoughts and process necessary to effectively crossdress – because there is a girl/woman inside of me that wishes to be acted out. I’m not the type to do anything that takes hard work “just for fun.” I don’t have that kind of patience. Crossdressing, to me, is now a creative art that I want to use to outwardly express when appropriate and/or opportune. And I don’t want to be one of those types who have hair in all the wrong places that they can’t show their face. I won’t waste my time with this very personal matter if I can’t do it the right way. Unfortunately, the “right way” is questionable with no one to mentor me.

My friend said to me, “We can have a dressing party one of these days” which sparked a conflict in me. Not with why I do what I do, but why he has the desire to crossdress. I can say that his reasons are different from mine. I believe there is a female in me that wants to be acknowledged & treated without bias. He, on the other hand, embraces the idea of androgyny – that wonderful, carefree blending of gender that holds no distinction or preference for what society has deemed “male” and “female.” Nothing wrong with that, just not where I stand; I admit that I could never be with someone who I could not find attractive after the smoke and mirrors fade away, no matter how much we click.

I guess you could say that my goal is to achieve a personal comfort in my effeminate qualities that, at the very least, will allow me to pleasantly confuse onlookers. I know that my style is more formal and dressy. I’ve blogged on this matter before. I’ve also become comfortable enough in myself to know how to answer the hard questions when I WILL be asked them. It bothers me to think that my friend may not be ready for that kind of legit questioning, but it’s important.

Although shameful, I’m prepared to fake it in public when I go shopping in the girl’s section or go to that beauty shop my mum took me to before. That’s the only way I’ll be able to do this for now. …I just have to get my money together and start. Easier said than done while still living at home, but I’ll figure it out. I could use some real help though.

Obviously have pictures of myself having done my own makeup. Just too shy and don’t see the point in showing one. Not much of a camera whore with or without it anyway.

May 2012 be a year of passionate change for you. And me.

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