For the last week or so, I’ve been a complete mess. Nothing has been going right, my thoughts are hardly coherent aside from when I’m at my job, and my emotions have threatened to put me in a darker place than usual. This has left me in a situation where I can barely be creative in my own time, and paralyzed with frustration at my own inability to cope. People know I typically tweet the bullshit I encounter in my life, but this was something that made me not want to even bother with Twitter anymore. What’s funny is that I got new followers during this time. Yeah, I don’t fucking get it either.
I worked up the courage to post pictures of my dolled-up face on a transgender imageboard, making it very clear that I was new to everything in this area of exploration. Asked for tips and feedback. I received a decent comment or two, but then someone said this:
This is for beautiful traps. Go to the crossdressing board.
My immediate reaction was what anyone would expect from me: “Are you fucking kidding me?! Are you saying that because I’m not pale-skinned with boob-implants and haven’t had any facial surgery that instantly makes me not beautiful?! What a load of bullshit! How dare you judge me when I thought I could be at home here!”
I didn’t bother saying any of that because the next reaction came too quickly. After telling my friend about my crossdressing, I had already been feeling extremely disoriented, both in my motivations and in my feelings towards my own sexuality. Getting hit with this comment pushed me over the edge. Suddenly, I didn’t know who I was or who I wanted to be. I didn’t know being indirectly called “ugly” would hurt so much. Didn’t know being told to go to where males pranced around in female clothes and refused to show their faces because they weren’t trying to “pass” in any way would upset me so much. I expected everything else…except that.
For the past week, I’ve just been living what society would call “normal.” I felt like a part of me had died and I needed to figure out why. There were a lot of questions asked of me by my friend after I told her my secret, and I needed to answer them now that I had experienced such a blow.
I really feel as though I am sabotaging my existence with these extreme decisions. What I have come to realize is that maybe I just have needed to exercise my femininity in an outward way. I accept that I could never live as a female daily. I accept that I have a bit of “potential” to be seen/treated as a female if I work at it enough. I know that I’m not like this by mistake, nor because I think it would be “fun” or something pathetically shallow like that. There are feelings inside that I want to express and the only way I can is if I’m dressing. There are lots of female anime characters I adore and want to dress as – and I will – but it’s more than that. It’s always been…
Crossdressing from time to time should not affect my relationships because it’s only meant to be a release/self-expression, not a lifestyle that someone will have to live with constantly. That’s what I believe my friend thought, and what I was unable to properly comprehend within myself at the time. And now, I’m trying to find a moment when she isn’t working so I can revise my explanation so she can revise hers. A small part of me hopes that she will want to go on a date with me after hearing this, but like I said, something else died in me this week.
I believe I’ve returned to the emotional state I was when that fucking red-headed bitch threw me away. Currently, I don’t care about love, relationships, or wanting/needing someone in my life. I have long since noticed that while everyone I knew in high school and college went on to either lose/gain substantial weight and/or have a family, I went on to forge a career. Alone. And I’m still alone after a mere four sorry excuses for relationships. All of them involving a one-sided breakup over the most bullshit excuses that to this day I couldn’t explain to anyone if I tried.
I just don’t give a damn all over again.
I am also terribly impatient, which makes me that much more abhorrent to the thought of waiting/searching. That never works anyway. So instead of waiting, I’ll expect nothing.
Chances are, my friend will still doubt me and not change her decision around after being told that crossdressing isn’t something that will be a common thing. She would still have to be okay with it (or just not do it around her), which may very well sabotage whatever we could potentially ever restart. So, as I initially planned to do from the start, I’ll balk and say “why bother?” Besides, I fear entrusting my heart with her again. Likely a side effect from our past my battered soul remembers.
It’s always something. And whatever that something is, it’s almost never possible to talk through and overcome for anyone I have ever loved dearly. Their stubbornness to take me as I am with all the good is easily thrown away for a singular misstep. I will never, EVER understand why 200 pound cows (male and female) without a degree can find someone who accepts them, and yet I have such a fucking hard time with all I have and aim to achieve as a health-conscious, ambitious, and devoted college grad writer.
This kind of sounds like someone I met a while ago…He is gay though, so that really made it difficult for him.
Whatever. I just needed to get this out. Maybe I’ll feel better now that I have.