So I guess that’s a no huh?

A text turned into a phone call. A phone call turned into confession time. Confession time turned into surprise butt sex.

But really, when you have every kind of history (except sexual) with someone for just about a decade, you already know how shit is going to go down. I let her vent and listened to what she was going through. She’s become a good friend that I’ve helped out because I have the means, and the longer we talked the deeper the conversation got. Eventually, it reached the point where I was in her dreams, but I continued to be nonchalant about it. Romance has been the furthest thing from my mind, but apparently it had arisen in her mind. And I knew what I needed to do which was going to kill her feelings right then and there.

She had told me a deep wrong of her own, so I told her mine: I crossdress and have been exploring myself as experimenting with being a female for a few months now for various emotional & sincere reasons. She candidly asked me questions about it and I answered them, but I already knew that she was backpedaling away from me. Then she told me she was going to ask me on a date, which I had sensed right before I told her. As expected, she just wants to be friends now.

How quickly people change when moral standards don’t align right? That’s the same fucking reason why I stopped going to church. We got into talks about that too, and I told her my thoughts (she’s Christian too). It’s okay though. I’m happy just being her friend, but I’ve already accepted that I’ve highly limited my opportunity for love because I’m legitimately like this and vowed to no longer compromise on who I am anymore. You either want me or you don’t. Just so happens it really wasn’t meant to be since she also apparently dreamed that I was a girl.

People might say, “But finally someone was going to give you a chance. You could have totally had a really pretty girl!” Fuck that. That shit doesn’t matter to me if they can’t accept who I am. Like I said, her and I have history + 8 days of a so-called relationship. I know her well after being badmouthed and thrown away as a friend years ago. I know her standards and she will not compromise for anyone because that’s who she is. I would have been shocked if she was okay with it, but she did exactly as I knew she would.

And that’s okay by me.

I move on with my life as usual and hopefully her struggles will find an end at some juncture. I’ll continue to support her and be relieved that she finally knows my deepest secret. This may even enable me to move forward with my journey as a female. Better not to get too wrapped up in the details and simply accept what I’ve known for most of my life: It’s going to take someone extremely special and understanding to ever be able to handle someone like me.

And I’m fine if that person never shows themselves. Love isn’t a necessity for me anymore. I’ll just keep living my life and hopefully be remembered for what I’ve done and how I lived. Or better yet, I’ll just be forgotten like millions of people are every day. Whatever happens, I just want to be me when it happens.


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