So what’s been going down with me lately? A fucking stressful previous week that’s what! Not going to get into all of that though when there are other, more relevant Ren’Ai things I can share.
This past Thursday was a fucking mess with dealing with my car not fully repaired and then deciding on a whim with my mum to get new tires. My car is still drivable and all, but getting screwed with yet another fucking oversight did NOT make riding with my mum & sis any less frustrating. They were fine though and it was nice to spend time with them even though I was too upset and hungry to really engage.
While we bummed around waiting for the tire work to be done, we took care of business my sis had at a beauty depot. She searched for hair dye while I managed to get my mum on the topic of searching for things I may be missing makeup-wise. Odd thing is, she went along with it without any second thought. We looked at various lip gloss, I stared at the pretty wigs out the corner of my eye, and I brought up the possibility of wanting to try fake eyelashes. My mum proceeded to tell me how she hadn’t “played” with them in such a long time and how her eyelashes are short. Mine are actually fairly long, so maschera might be all I’d need. I was also eyeing the bracelets they had, but then I noticed they were for kids. orz All in all, finding out about this boutique store was nice so I could always drive there on my own. My mum introduced me to the two ladies working there. Obviously they had been watching us, and I was very embarrassed.
My sis kind of found out about me crossdressing too at that store, but not in a way that was anything more than “oh, you’re just dressing up for an event.” I’ve been tempted to tell her the real story, but I don’t think I can until I verify these feelings for myself.
I went out today by myself and attempted to maintain a softer, feminine tone whenever I spoke to someone. It didn’t go over so well, especially since I felt like I was being watched/judged. Obviously I wasn’t “dressed” but it certainly seemed like I was. One thing is becoming more and more certain in me: I believe I’m becoming both afraid to accept my femme side completely and gradually more uncomfortable being perceived as a male. It’s still up for debate, but…I came home feeling very afraid. For a moment, the fear subsided when my mother’s boyfriend’s daughter asked me to inquire of my mum for topcoat. I gladly contacted her in excitement having discovered another aspect of nail beautifying. The fear returned when I heard my mum’s boyfriend having a mild fit over the idea of a male wearing eyeliner and “gay” people. I was smart to ensure that he didn’t know about my mum helping me practice, but now I feel even less safe to experiment here…
There seems to be almost no time for mum & I to practice. Even she is forgetting the techniques we found out worked better for my face. She did ask me to try on the wig she gave me to see how it worked out on me, but I’ve been putting it off until I know how to do makeup on my own. I’m always occupied by work and she worked 7 days a week. Friday night & Saturday are the best days to practice so we avoid my brother who is nosy as fuck. I’m free both times, but it’s difficult for her. I really wish I knew someone besides her who could help me, but really, she is the best choice I have other than a makeup artist.
Nothing is ever easy for me…and the longer it takes to verify my sexuality (read: how I truly feel in my heart) by exposing myself, the more this feels more like a chore than a journey of self-exploration.
Oh! I should mention I had a lovely time with Val-hime on Friday night. It’s definitely best if we don’t talk for a while so we have lots to gab about when we do. We must drink together more as well~ Twitter is good for those short moments in time that make it all worth having her to myself when the time is right. Teasing her today was the high point of my day. Acting on silly impulses can lead to wonderful/cute things. I’m happy I could experience a momentary, yet wonderful exchange with her. May she be resting well.
And now for my measly 5 hours of bed…