Surround yourself with people you know, people you sort of know, and people you’ve never met. One way or another, you’ll realize one of two things: One, being around certain people brings about certain memories; two, you are a very lonely person.
If you’re like me, you realized both, but because of the people you know and sort of know being around you, it was easier to push away the loneliness.
Yesterday was the first legit party I had gone to completely on my own in who knows how long. Typically, I invite my two friends that I know will enjoy the crowd, but this time I kept my mouth shut and went by myself. I’m very glad I did. The BBQ was great, everyone loved my random choice of Japanese plum wine (which I may start substituting for my usual cheap sake now), got a chance to watch a guy beat Sonic 2 with all the Chaos Emeralds, and even got hands-on time with one of my childhood favorite Genesis games, Streets of Rage 2, as Blaze. Damn good time for being an hour late, which was actually right on time.
I had conversations with all three types of people, and each of them were enjoyable in their own right. Jokes were being made, no one was frowning, and everyone was quirky, yet friendly. I love getting around anime/gamer otaku who don’t shove their hobby down your throat, but have some level of receptiveness to everyone’s likes and dislikes. The atmosphere was split between two locations, but the energy between everyone celebrating our friend’s birthday was prevalent in both areas.
The best conversation I had was with a cute meganekko I had never met until the party. I found out she is majoring in English and wants to be a Writer. You might guess that we had a lot to talk about because we surely did. From the mediocrity of Twilight, to what anime we liked, to the types of video games we played, to our kindred interest in writing fiction – our conversation likely could have gone on for hours had there hadn’t been so much excitement and distractions around us. Her boyfriend was there too. As I observed their interactions and occasional exchange of words – cutely awkward in many ways – I couldn’t help but wonder why or how in the world she wound up with a guy like him…or why she even stayed with such an absent-minded jerk-off.
The crazy thing is that this line of thinking applied in pretty much every single case regarding the couples that had gathered at the party, save my friend (the birthday boy) and his recently obtained girlfriend. One chill guy, easily 230+ lbs., had a spazzy, outspoken girlfriend (she was around 180+ for the record). Another Hispanic guy, average build for his height and seemingly an all-around okay chap, had this pencil-thin Circassian-like meganekko who was calm, sweet, and easy to approach.
I got a chance to “interview” the birthday boy to find out how he found someone like her. He gladly went through his very short girlfriend history, but then what he said after that blew my mind.
‘We met through OkCupid. She messaged me first. We would stay up until all hours of the night talking.’
I was shocked that he had used a matchmaker site. He encouraged me to give it a try and to be as honest as possible. I told him I had tried one before, but I couldn’t take it seriously. He also told me of his bad/creepy experience with another dating site. This led to other conversations about sake and such that involved the “jerk-off” who isn’t that much of one; he just is not much of a gentleman while the pleasant writer meganekko willingly went to do favors (like bring up more meat) when no one else would. Multiple times.
Again, I observed the couples who were there. Surely they had met through traditional circumstances. Why should someone like me rely on the almighty tool otherwise known as the internet when these chaps could find someone who liked them for who they were? I could tell my friend was happy with his girlfriend, and she with him. No one there was overtly attached to the hip to their lover either, which made for opportunities like mine to meet, greet, and get to know people.
Part of me is stubbornly traditional – if people like them can find a mate just by living life, why can’t I? The other part of me is highly apathetic – I’ve been tossed away regardless of how much I showed I cared and sacrificed my time for them. I’ll just live my life.
However, what my friend described to me brought back memories that matched his words. Sitting at my computer, talking with someone for hours. Time was meaningless. Sleep was meaningless. We just enjoyed each other’s company day after day. That was the start of everything I’ve ever had with every single person. When you really think about it, you would think that if such a bond existed before any confessions were made, why in the fuck could it only last a short time. Being able to talk to someone for hours and just laugh and share a part of yourself with someone is the absolute pinnacle of what “love” is and should be. It’s one of the most obvious signs that there is something real. If you can’t look someone in the eyes for hours let alone have an endless conversation with them regardless if silence crept in, then there’s no way those people could ever spend the rest of their lives together. Even my grandparents who are in their 70s prove the truth in this.
This is what I have tried my hardest to not think about, because that only makes me remember how lonely I actually am. This why I wrap myself up in my work. My work won’t break up with me. My work won’t randomly decide that I’m no longer interesting. My work will love me as long as I love it. We talk, grow, and improve each other little by little. The more I accomplish, the happier our time is together. It’s perfect…almost as pitifully pathetic as having a 2D meganekko waifu.
And yet…these people move ahead of me because apparently I’m not good enough. Scratch that. I KNOW I’m damn good enough, which is why it’s better for me to not give a shit about it and just do what I do best. Appreciate those who appreciate me, and find all the pleasure I need in the pursuit of my goals as a professional writer.
I admit that I mulled over the idea of OkCupid as I drove home with a lingering buzz. The idea didn’t seem any more appealing in that state either. There are two girls that are possibilities. One knows of my feelings. One doesn’t. I’ve known both for years. Why should I use that site when traditional chances still exist? I looked at the site today with a smirk on my face. Eventually I got distracted and only realized the page was still opened later on. I had easily proved that I am not that desperate.
And so, I maintain the standard I established since the end of the last:
If you want me, come get me. It’s that simple. I’m not fucking chasing after you because if I like you, you’ll know it.
Otherwise, don’t expect me to take notice or believe for a second that there is actually someone as busy, time-conscious, and obsessed with creating a comfortable lifestyle as I am who wants me to themselves. I’ve always been very oblivious to love to begin with and yet I am so fucking loyal.
Go figure, huh?