They will never know…

A visit to my grandparents’ house yielding an certain truth:

I will NEVER be able to crossdress in front of family.

There is too much stubborn reluctance from my grandmother. My grandfather would probably just ask “why” and shake his head multiple times. And my father…I don’t even know since he’s knee-deep in spiritual things. My mother would likely want to really send me to the psychiatrist. My sister would probably be the most understanding since we’ve always been able to have long conversations and get along much better than with my brother.

The truth of all of this is quite underwhelming as there are a ton of other things on my mind right now because of this single visit. Mainly, I just want to be happy and reciprocated commitment to someone (whether that involves marriage is another thing entirely). That comes off so generic and spoiled but I do. Having children is something I’d like, but may not turn out that way. Screw having children when I can’t even find someone who will deem me “good enough” to keep in their heart for more than 10 weeks.

But I’m not even looking. Don’t even give a crap anymore. My grandmother and father do though. Could never tell them that I’d be with a transsexual if the conditions for love were right. Or that I’m fairly sure that I’m pansexual because as much as I don’t like the idea of being with a male, again, certain conditions make such things irrelevant. Especially when I’m “dressed.”

Happiness is not something that can be bought, obtained, or won. It just comes as it pleases and goes when it’s served its purpose. I’m very afraid of my romantic future as I focus on creating my own happiness in my writing career. I don’t believe I can trust anyone while I can be trusted almost completely with the value and fragility of a person’s heart. I am much too transparent and sensitive despite my tough, don’t-take-shit personality and don’t believe I could take another load of wishy-washy bullshit in romance.

So I’m taking everything slow and just caring a lot less. Besides, why care when no one else is on my level? I’m better off gouging out the sappy warmth and just be a cold, conservative bitch. That way, no one gets hurt and I can do and live as I please.

Can’t wait until I can have my own place. Gonna experiment with makeup and clothes like a boss. And only you, the Ren’Ai faithful, will ever know.

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