I never wanted to be a man.
For as long as I can remember, my entire life has been made up of undercut feelings that I, in my ignorance and societal standing, could not make sense of. In other words, I had an attraction to females that was on a different level than the norm. That is not to say the norm didn’t apply, but that is to say acceptance and connecting was much more memorable of my implied desires.
Even when my father was around, I never felt comfortable about males & always wanted to blend in with the few female friends I had. I gradually made more male friends out of necessity – it seemed like the natural progression in my age group. Still, I crushed on a female friend while spending countless afternoons having playdates in her home that were worth every moment. Confiding in a female friend whom I became friendly with by playing with her hair in class. Competing with a female friend who understood my feelings, and died much too early. Females were always around me, and I wanted to be around them.
High school was no different. Choir girls that were my seniors ultimately accepted me into their circle, inviting me to outings & visiting their home. My few male friends were either too busy working, being assholes, or occupying themselves with plotting sexual maneuvers to listen to my troubles. My online friends – all half-dozen of them girls – were there for me. Though my sexual tendencies had been awakened and nurtured by male friends’ perverse curiosity, I had no desire to trust them as much as I did my female comrades. And they, for the most part, treated me as their equal.
I cherished this.
College was…well don’t get me started on that. College was the pinnacle of my subconscious denial of my sexual identity and gender preference. I knew what I wanted and yet could not have any of it. I struggled with my faith, developed my first inexplicable crush on a young male teacher, had an inexplicable connection with one of the most unintentionally appealing females to date, and, overall, a meaningless wanderlust that ripped me to pieces both on and offline.
I graduated, disappointed in myself and what I had been unable to achieve. I lost what I had fought so hard to keep. A broken mess of ambition that seemed as if not even one with aligned goals could wholeheartedly commit to and love.
And here I am. A few years later, trying to make sense of a life that has been nothing short of fantastic epic of disparaged life, inconclusive love, and fleeting hope. I’ve changed – was forced to change – to survive it all and yet one truth still remains after everything I’ve seen…
I still never wanted to be a man. Moreover, I believe I shouldn’t have been. Society blinded me. My faith left me in denial. I didn’t know how to be anything else, despite the signs. If only I had known what these feelings were long before now…
Long before I met you.