Had a lovely dream the other night that I was in the home of a childhood friend, pandering through her mother’s dresses and applying makeup without using a mirror because I was so boss at it. There was some girl downstairs that kept trying to blow my cover, but my childhood friend kept defending me and making sure no one came upstairs.

Yeah, that’s my idea of a lovely dream.

Realized today that I can’t stand using the standing toilets anymore, especially when there’s someone else in one next to me. It makes me very uncomfortable these days. I’ll probably start using stalls consistently after it becomes a habit. Not to mention that some guys are so fucking gross – not flushing the toilet or even washing their hands! Ugh! I just don’t want to interact with any of them, especially in the lavatory, but, of course, I have to if they talk to me. I’ll deal.

There’s much I really can’t deal with anymore. A lot of it has to do with me and how I associate myself with people. I can’t stand seeing my former girlfriend getting so close to another male who CLEARLY wants her, but I have no reason or say to give a shit. I can’t stand constantly being jerked around because I open my heart and get a pinky finger to suck on. I’m just really sick of feeling jealous and giving a fuck. So, it’s a good thing I can recall what it’s like to go cold towards everything that involves feeling. That’s a sense that I’ll always have thanks to the scar on my heart.

Truth is, I gave up on her after she gave up on me. Not as a person or as a friend, but as anything more than what she had set me up to be. We haven’t had a live chat in a while, but that’s half my fault in order to protect myself from pain. If they get closer because I’ve backed away from troubling her with my love, then so be it. It’s exactly what happened when I moved in on her, and exactly what happened to me once before in nearly the exact same fashion. Who wouldn’t be afraid to trust, to feel, or to believe that anyone could truly work through anything that could threaten their relationship?

I can be a bitch. And I was called “cheeky” for the first time by the girl I like. But you will NEVER see me dropping someone just because “oh I can’t be with you anymore because I only see you as a friend and/or ::insert random bullshit here::”

What?

Really?

Are you seriously saying that to me after I worked my ass off and sacrificed my time and existence to commit myself to you?!

Because that’s the kind of shit I’ve had happen to me one too many times when I’ve been 100% committed every damn time. Confided in both of them about this blog and my sexuality. And I’m damn near convinced that it was because I did that something decided to randomly change in them one day, thinking that they could do better when no offense, I’m a damn good catch.

Fuck that kind of wishy-washy, indecisive bullshit. I LOVE HARD!

And because I have to be so emotionally rock solid to avoid anyone coming near me, under-appreciating me, and hurting me by not giving back what I dish out, mark my words:

I will be the death of me, strangling myself from the inside. What’s more, I’ll probably die alone, unable to trust anyone with my whole heart and soul.

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