This weekend has been an adventure and a half. I don’t think I’ve done so much traveling in a single weekend in ever. Drove 90 minutes to my college, got on a bus with a ton of people, of which the majority I did not know to travel to D.C., walked about 4-5 miles (or more) with a group of people (got to know about 1/3 of them) around D.C., traveled back to the college, drove back home, drove to the train station the next morning twice (missed my train twice), wound up in Hobocity for a con 40 minutes later, walked a ton there, danced a ton at the rave, then traveled back 40 minutes, and drove home in 10. Just a lot of back-to-back traveling.

But fuck that. That isn’t why I’m writing here.

While at the con (CPAC), my friends and I decided to play some DDR. Their setup was pretty badass and their selection top tier. The pads sucked because I couldn’t maintain my center, but all this minor shit is besides the point. Before I even realized what was happening, I was being talked to by a girl who was sitting behind me. I didn’t think much of it for the first few moments, and then I realized she was carrying the conversation. Like, I didn’t really have to try. Like, someone besides my friends gave a shit about wanting to speak to me even though we had never met before now. About DDR, my skills, and her wanting me to play with her so she didn’t have to go by herself were mostly what we spoke about. She also asked where I was from and how old I was. I sort of realized I was being hit on, but again, just wanted to be kind and considerate without reading too much into her actions.

We played together, had fun, got a playful text from my friends as they realized I might be getting hit on also, chatted a bit more, and then she disappeared. I didn’t think anything of it since I didn’t particularly find her physically appealing but she was nice enough to keep in touch with. Just shrugged it off and went on with my time there.

As I was leaving with “blue-eyes”, I saw said girl (let’s call her “Elisa”) wandering down the hall. I called out to her purely to see if it was really her. The whole encounter of meeting someone and having a decent conversation with them at a con (and possibly being hit on) was (is) still very odd to me – it has never happened. So I asked her where she went, what she was up to, and if she was going to the rave later. All her answers were fair, but she seemed pretty intent on seeing me again later even though there was really no guarantee of that. I couldn’t just leave it like that, so we had this weird wordplay going on for like a minute before she finally told me she was on Facebook. (This is exactly why I didn’t just ask for her number.) I took down her name, didn’t bother giving her one of my business cards, and we said we’d see each other later.

Skip to rave. Having a blast, but don’t see a trace of her. I had already given up running into her again as I just assumed she left after all. As the rave began to die down, I saw her standing on the outskirts of the party with a raver swinging a glowing sword and wearing a heavy jacket. At first I hesitate, but eventually go over. I fail to say her name right off the bat as she tried to identify who I am with the light of her sword. The convo went something like this:

Her: “Hey~”
Me: “Hey! Elisa right?”
Her: “Yeah.”
Me: “Thought you weren’t coming after all.”
Her: “Yeah, I’ve been here the whole time. Did you just get here?”
Me: “No way! I’ve been here since 7:30 before the doors opened! I really love raves. You should come out and dance!”
Her: (hesitant) “No..”
Me: “Come on. Why not?”
Her: “I’m okay here.”
Me: “It really is a lot of fun. You should try a little.” (this is me taking a page from my best friend; normally I’d just leave it alone)
Her: “No no. That’s okay.”
Me: “Well alright. Is that your friend?”
Her: “Yeah, that’s my friend Joe.” (whispers to her friend that I like raves a lot)
Me: “Ah cool! So how long are you going to be here for?”
Her: “Um..probably until those guys [the djs] are finished. You can add me on FB.”
Me: “Ah same here. I’ll be sure to add you.”
Her: “Okay. This is my friend Desiree.” (her friend had wandered over, but was too busy with her smartphone to acknowledge me)
Me: Hey~ (I motion to her that I’m going to head back into the dance)

Compared to how into me she was acting earlier in the day, this was just really weird. She likes to play DDR but doesn’t like actually dancing? And her responses were so empty and off-handed. Like I said, I went back and simply kept having fun, figuring I’d talk to her after I was done dancing. Minutes later, she’s no where in sight. Again, I just didn’t give a shit and kept having fun with my friends. There was always FB right?

Wrong. Here’s the kicker.

She’s in a relationship. And her pic is her hugging on some guy.

I added her anyway because she was nice enough, but you know what’s really churning inside of me right now? Take a wild guess.

I. FUCKING. GIVE. THE. FUCK. UP.

I’m either getting idealized in a relationship with someone who doesn’t know what the flying fuck they want and break up with me eventually when I’m giving them everything that is me or, as of today, getting pseudo-hit on by girls already in relationships. There was no fucking chance to begin with!

I’m so fucking glad I didn’t give much of a care to begin with and was just feeling her out overall. I gave her credit for approaching me first, so taking the initiative and adding her on FB was no problem at all. Finding this shit out though just really pisses me off. I’m sick of even remotely feeling as though there’s even more of a chance for me even IF I’m approached. Apparently that’s not true, while in the mean time, my meganekko friend is getting noticeably hit on by lesbians and my partner in artistic crime was getting checked out by various females as he was tricking on the dance floor.

Seriously. What the fuck.

I really just give up. Any of my friends could have anyone they fucking want because they’re always appealing to someone. Me? I’m just a plaything no body really wants, but will entertain the idea for a bit until they lose interest. What a load of shit this game is.

I thought I gave up before. Now I just really don’t care. I want to crossdress and see if the result is somehow flipped. This is how much I don’t give a shit. I’ll do my darnest to pass as a female, and if people hate me for it, fuck them. I have no idea how “blue-eyes” would feel about that, but whatever. She doesn’t want me like that either. So who gives a fuck. “Ally” thinks I’m a weirdo even though she’s someone I’m interested in? Fuck her.

This discomfort and constant denial of what and who I am continues to piss me off. Now that I’m not going to church or participating in their events or talking to the people I was connected with there, I just want to live my life. Though I want to touch as many lives as possible, I already know people that once gave a shit about me in the church are going to simply not anymore (not that they even do now for all I know) because I’ll be judged. I’ll surely be hated. Whatever.

I’m still gross from today. Going to take a shower and embrace this week. I’ve had a ton of time to get away from technology and clear my head. As always, my only hope and priority of pleasure is to make progress. Progress and my friends are the only things that won’t play me for a fool and shit on me when all is said and done.

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