Yesterday was a great day with friends. A group of friends that anyone would probably do a double take if they saw all of us and the lives we’ve lived up until now.
And then I went to “blue-eyes”‘s house, sitting unnaturally close to each other on the floor as we watched Eva. We had gone out to a nice Italian restaurant for food because I made her choose something that she would enjoy for once. I knew she liked Italian so it was easy. We spoke a great deal on many topics – serious and play. Totally natural.
Back at her house, we had a bit of dinner with her family and I followed it up with a mug of wine. As we sat in the dark to finish the movie, the gentle thoughts of leaning over and stroking her cheek floated ever so subtly into my mind. And of course, that would lead to other naughty things as I seduced her, still being in complete control of body while following those gentle impulses ever so cautiously.
Those things never happened, of course. Nor would they ever.
We embraced, spoke of our plans to meet for the anime con this weekend, and I cooly bid her adieu, pondering the underlying philosophical messages of Eva – ever so gently sedated by lingering wine intake behind the wheel.
As you would guess, this has nothing to do with the pleasures of yesterday, but rather the heartaches of late.
After noticing an oddity, I confronted the girl that I love about whether she was attempting to indirectly put distance between us. I was going to send her a message and just let her respond, but something reminded me how medically insane that would be. Still clinging to the lingering effects of the wine made it easier not to give a shit what happened after I typed those potentially damaging, questioning, prying words over IM. Confused, she told me to calm down and not to overthink things. Being aware that I too do what she does under specific stimulus, she “hugged” me and I admitted to her being correct. She said she wouldn’t do something like that. I asked her would she freak out if she suspected I was indirectly putting distance between us. She said “probably not.” Conflicted, I had no way of knowing how to take that. And for a moment, my mind flew to two memories:
The one of her telling me she had begun to put distance between us without realizing it after she moved.
And the fate that ultimately befell her prior relationship, distancing herself from him after their breakup.
Instead of instigating further adrenaline rushing in my blood causing my heart to beat in panic, I brought up Eva – the original topic I wanted to speak to her about. Her being a huge fan, we spoke for quite a while as lively fans would.
I find myself hesitating again whenever I interact with her in an online setting. It’s easy to type things you don’t really mean. Emoticons you aren’t really emoting. Putting on a front rather than being as honest as possible.
I fucking hate doing that shit. Especially with her. Not that I have, but in order to fix myself and not seem cold or unfeeling, I emote in ways that rip me apart. Again, I see that I’m no longer doing what I do for myself, but rather for her.
I want to be a part of her life (and I am). I don’t want anyone else to have her more than I do (and I’m not sure if I can maintain that level of selfishness). When people think of her, I want them to immediately think of me (and that’s fucking egotistical).
I’m in love with her. Though I will never put distance between us in a way that makes it impossible for her to reach me, I’m at a point where I am drifting back to the person I can no longer be – the one that can be at peace knowing that someone actually gives a shit about me.
I’ve gotten too close to the fire again…and I’m getting burned thinking that that same fire from the past will warm and comfort my frozen heart. It won’t. It’s dangerous now…and I need to get away from it for a while again until my callouses return…
…I keep getting burned. I’m tired of it…