Don’t know why but I’m extremely pissed. Don’t fucking give a shit about anything. Tried watching anime to calm me down. Didn’t work. Tried listening to calmer music (still doing that right now). Didn’t work. Tried listening to Mark’s radio show. A temporary distraction.
In actuality though, I know exactly why I’m PMSing like a bitch right now. I’m pissed that my throat has been so fucking tight every single day to the point where swallowing is annoying. I want to fucking rip out my adam’s apple because it’s banging up against my throat and I can’t stand it!
I’m also am ending yet another job at the end of this week. I knew about this a month in advance, and thought I’d be able to handle it better than this. But looking at my resume again and trying to organize my secondary creative career around fucking being jobless again is stressing me the fuck out! I seriously have been so calm about it up until now, but now I can’t even think straight.
I know what this is. This is fear punching me in the throat. I’ve been down this road before, and I really should be dealing with this better. Instead, I have fucking bitch-ass meganekko at the office wincing at me using plastic bowls in the microwave again. I didn’t even bother to entertain her “Ohhh you’re STILL using those? Eww!” comment. I just said “yeah” as kindly as I could, and told her (in my head) to fuck off and fucking enjoy her cushy job since she won’t be seeing me after this week anyway.
I know exactly what I need to do, and I need to quit fucking around with what my priorities are.
I’m also pissed that I saw a bunch of guys joking about having my former g/f’s babies. Talking about probable baby-rearing hips and “doing the deed.” FUCK! I wasn’t even like that with her in public and these guys think it’s fucking hilarious to joke about that shit?! Ugh! Disgusting! And, of course, she’s just going along with it, and insulting herself in the process. *rolls eyes* Pisses me off. Can’t stand it when she talks about herself so disparagingly. There were girls joining in too, but that’s irrelevant.
Obviously I still love her. I still say she is beautiful in so many ways regardless of how much weight she has. And I’ve been good about keeping those kinds of feelings and thoughts at bay. But this other bullshit that’s making it near impossible for me to discern what’s important to handle and to quit being a pussy to make the next move is making me susceptible to those thoughts.
The kind that wishes you could just lay in someone’s lap and cry out your frustrations.
The kind that allows you to just be weak for once in your life.
The kind that wants someone that isn’t just a friend to say you’ll figure it out.
That you’ll make it through just like you did before.
That there’s no reason to be angry or upset.
But, just like before, I’ll be the only one telling myself this. I’ll isolate myself again. Lose sight of what it means to feel. And pour my attention into whatever will get me to my destination so I won’t have to rely on anyone.
It’s happened before. And I don’t really give a shit if it happens again. I’m tired of giving of myself with the miniscule expectation that maybe they’ll one day give a little back. As much as I don’t need people, I’m thankful for the people who care and have become better people because of me.
Everyone’s happiness…Everyone’s ego…Everyone’s time…and none of my own…