Over the last few days, I gave myself time to slow down with all this “passing as a woman” stuff and just lived like I always had. In reality, what I did of my own choice (and sometimes out of neglect) was exactly what I had always done over the course of many years.
Accept being male.
Start hating being male.
Start being disgusted by being male and/or being around males.
Delving deeper into my thoughts and memories, dusting off what could be considered my “true” nature as a female.
Have a strong desire to explore them,
but never do I did for the first time as recorded in this journal.
Gradually come off the desire high for one reason or another.
This is how it’s been since I first entered college and began encountering yet another level of harsh realities. This cycle that never seemed to end, and constantly kept being suppressed as I unconsciously acted out my feminine tendencies throughout primary, middle, and high school. It’s a fool’s game really, and I hate it.
But the desire still is there. I know it is. So here’s what I’m going to do about it:
I’m going to revert to my original plans to crossplay at an anime con and see how it goes for me. Rather than pretending I’m not diving head first and making myself gradually more uncomfortable with the ideas that I’m forcing onto myself, I’ll go with the one that puts me under the least pressure.
I still want to wear makeup, get fake eyelashes, a wig, and need to decide on a painless way of shaving my legs. Yes, I still want to “pass.” There’s no point any other way. I hate half-assing anything. This is just a lot to figure out, and I wish I could trust a girly-girl with this information so she could help make this a bit easier.
I was messaged by a makeup artist friend the other day and we had a nice back-and-forth on FB. Getting on her bad side is very easy though, and even though I’m not trying to, the only reason why I left her alone after so long is because I thought at some point I did make her pissed at me. She’s nice to talk to and made my stint at CCF bearable. Now I just need to see what happens.
I’m doing better with omitting the emotions of love, desire, and anger from hindering my interactions with “her.” I had a nice talk with my “osananajimi” type friend on Sunday about “her”. Just hoping it can stay like this so that I can live the quiet life I really don’t want to live. I want to love and be loved, but I’m sick of this bullshit – having my toiling efforts to cultivate a lasting relationship stepped on by bullshit reasons and constant pushing away when there was nothing wrong with how things were. “She” was apparently giving relationship advice to her ex tonight. What immediately flashed in my mind was:
“HOW THE FLYING FUCK CAN YOU OF ALL PEOPLE GIVE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE TO THE ONLY GUY YOU’VE EVER DATED BESIDES ME WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T WANT TO DEAL WITH A RELATIONSHIP…IF THAT WAS EVEN THE REAL REASON AT ALL?!? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW?!”
And then, I let it go and went about my business.
There’s no point in letting such things churn inside of me when I honestly do care about her. I’m a horrid masochist, but the fact is that she is causing all of this. “She” is the one dissolving us. It’s her choice. I’ll keep caring about her, but I’ve accepted the fact that in her heart, she doesn’t want me in her life and is pushing me out of it little by little. Thankfully, I’m not the only one who sees this.
My life will simply be what I want to achieve. A loveless life with no one to fuck with my heart or my feelings anymore. That is, unless someone starts chasing after me. I’m not chasing anyone anymore. I’m done with it, and I’m fine with moving forward to life a full life, hopefully doing what I love to the best of my ability. And eventually, more than likely, coming home to an empty apartment every night where I’ll crossdress to my contentment and fulfill myself with this fucked up side of me that will likely only serve as lithe amusement at anime cons.
Who wants to love an over-ambitious, successful perfectionist that loves like a fucking tiger and wants to be loved like a female anyway..?