Let me start off with saying I resisted checking FB for any status updates from “her” before I started writing this. I don’t plan on looking either. (Of course, while I’m writing, my status notification goes off and it’s “her” wishing someone a happy birthday. *bangs head on desk*)
I described what I’m feeling to my best friend akin to a gash that keeps scabbing over for a few hours, then opens right back up to start bleeding again. I don’t believe there is anything I can do to really heal. If “she” would do anything that would resemble NOT still pushing me away (or, you know, SHOW INTEREST IN MY LIFE SINCE WE’RE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING BE FRIENDS HERE), that would probably do wonders. However, my head cannot forget, and that gash is yet another injury to my heart that has the potential to heal but won’t. Nothing I can do and no where I can go to escape it.
Using my wit and experience, I told another Twitter friend of mine that I knew their gender – a fact that they were so proud to be confusing people with. I have years of experience being female on the internet, not because I wanted to trick people, but because that was where I was most comfortable; I hate being seen as a male for a number of reasons. My Twitter friend & I kept exchanging DMs as we shared the same feelings towards society’s hold on who we are expected to be and how badly that conflicts with what we know we are on the inside. They are much younger than me, and I even know of someone else around their age that is male but refuses to be acknowledged as anything but female. I plan on speaking to them and connecting with them more, as I believe I may learn something.
So yesterday was a smelly old man, while today was a dirty old man. The sicko was at the stall before I got there. I then finished before he did and went to go wash my hands. The guy then proceeds to just walk out without washing his hands! Ugh, I cringe when I think of all the guys who think it’s perfectly okay to practice such disgusting habits! I don’t dislike males, but they have no sense of dignity and think anything goes when they are around other guys. Like farting. What the hell…!
When I meet up with my best friend to be all creative-like, we always wind up having a multitude of conversations about various moments, memories, societal issues, and the basic “how are things.” I really like this because no other guy I know does this. It’s all about THE GAME or nothing at all. I value this sort of trait, and always enjoy chatting with him before, during, and after. Tonight we talked about gender traps, heart issues, and, of course, the future of our partnership. The gender trap convo is of particular note since he’s totally okay with me crossdressing/transgendering and such. I also realized how embarrassing it is to talk about what I want to do with myself to pass as a female.
I’m really sensitive to people calling me “sir” and “Mr” even more these days because it’s a constant reminder of what I’m projecting on the outside, not what I’m seeing on the inside. It’s very saddening and it seems all I can do is just wait until I can have a place of my own to really start dabbling. I am going to see about cosplay though. I wonder how people would take to that, but at the same time, I don’t want to care about how they would take it. A con is the best place to experiment with something like this so I’m going to take my chances.
Ugh, another late night. At least I feel myself developing the habit of lotioning my legs and then hopping online to write here. That seems to work best. Sleep now.
P.S. Fuck you very much winter.