Been feeling horribly tired all day. No surprise since I only got 3.5 hours of sleep. Also not to mention my body clearly had not recovered from the beating I gave it getting to the train. More fucking snow. Another storm I’m going to have to brave because the office has only freak-closed once. I don’t expect the trains to be bad as usual, and I don’t predict the company will wuss out.

Sent a PM to the Twitter guy this morning about his female friend he recommended I follow. She has a cute face, but the point that I wanted to bring up was that I don’t think he had a good time other than his geek self-gratification of Evangelion. I had started my PM with “I hope you had fun last night.” He responded with only the girls’ username and word of advice to get her to follow back. I’ve always disliked it when people are so insensitive that they’ll fail to mention the one detail that you want them to. That’s happened so much and so many times in my life that I shouldn’t expect anything less from both genders.

My co-worker retweeted something that said “Even though gender is a product of society, that doesn’t mean that my living as a woman is invalidated.” She happens to be bisexual and takes great offense to males who expect females to “stay in the kitchen” and such things of that nature. I don’t blame her, and support the line of thinking that says, even though my gender has been determined by society, it doesn’t mean that living as one has made me any less of what I am. I just want to be real with myself and accepted without being told what I should and shouldn’t be because society defines it.

Speaking of that, “she” was mistaken for a boy today. “She’s” short, was wearing a bulky jacket, and her hair was up today. So someone asked her if she was lost. I’m sure “she” was amused by it, but I held myself back from commenting “I wish someone would confuse me for a girl.” I really don’t need to give “her” any inclination or leads on that line of thinking, especially when I was going to avoid crossdressing/crossplay because “she” didn’t want me to.

That is, when we were together. Now, clearly I don’t care about that anymore, but “she’s” still a precious person to me that I will respect regardless of how insane I am for doing so. I’m still trying to shut down these deep feelings of love, but they won’t leave and left me a mental wreck for most of the day despite putting on my best face.

This old Jewish guy on the train reeked so bad I had to swear under my breath. Like seriously, do you fucking shower or what? I only stayed in my seat so as not to seem awkward or rude. Guys are so dirty. Can’t stand it.

Oh, and one more little thing. This blog really is my memoirs – the secret truths that would destroy me if the wrong person got a hold. I don’t intend on revealing my true name to anyone whether I keep this blog private or not. This is the one secret that I will keep and take with me to the grave until the connection is discovered. By then, I doubt anyone would really care to know the truth or feel sorry for me or anything. That I’m sick of seeing a hard, male face in the mirror and that I’m turned on when I feel feminine and sexy. That I want to be seen as a female, not as a smelly male.

Anyway, night. I’m so tired.


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