No point in labeling my entries anymore since I keep them private.
Have decided to start gradually starting off small to make myself look and feel more feminine. Females have smoother skin almost naturally. So I now lotion my feet and legs before bed. I figure I should start somewhere, and having nice legs would be pretty ideal.
I’ve also been looking at my mother’s collection of lipstick that’s stacked in the bathroom. I doubt she uses any of them, but they’re there and I could easily take one for myself. There’s no point because I wouldn’t be able to leave anywhere past the border of my room with it on without instantly giving away what I’m doing. I really need to move out.
I’m going to be meeting someone for the first time tomorrow because he invited me to go see Evangelion 2.0 with him. I met him on Twitter and his invitation came out of the blue even though we haven’t talked much. It’s kind of exciting since I haven’t gone out with anyone in the city since I started working and the fact that it’s a new person that I’m meeting in a public place. I actually started asking myself what I wanted to wear, but then I remember I have literally like 6 outfits that I wear repeatedly. I’m constantly tempted to ask “her” if she wanted to come along, but she’ll just come up with an excuse even though I know she’s going to see it too. She’ll likely never invite me out anywhere and wind up leaving the city without us ever doing anything fun like I had originally hoped. Oh well. She knows how I feel. There’s nothing more I can do or say other than just being her ordinary friend.
Now that not one person is interested in me, I’m taking advantage to explore these suppressed feelings and memories that have been pushed aside for the sake of society and my faith. I’ve stopped going to church for a valid reason, but doing this sort of thing already kind of seals the deal seeing as how there was a point where they were asking the congregation to sign a petition to ban homosexual marriage in NJ. That was kind of the initial push that made me apprehensive about being there anymore. I still believe in God and trust that all will work out as it should, but I don’t need to go to church to connect with God. Just other Christians, which is also questionable business now…Actually, it has been for quite some time. I just ignored it.
There’s been so much on my mind about crossdressing and transgender matters over the course of years that I’ve pushed away time and time again but always come back to. I’ve actually managed to dust off my childhood and recall artifacts where I would be playing with my collection of stuffed animals by myself, play with my female friends without a care of whether it was tag or with dolls, disliking being around males because they were boring and smelled, and being very uncomfortable around boys in locker rooms as I never wanted to show my body or see theirs. Even at this age, I hate going into the men’s room, highly discouraged to be around a large group of males, and favor female connection moreso.
All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved and treated well and to please someone I love in return. Being male with these kinds of feelings and memories has been tugging at me for many years. Probably over a decade, as I first understood what it meant to be treated differently as a female when I started roleplaying at 13. And I loved it, preferred it, but hated being treated differently regardless. I treat guys and girls the same, but I have to be “harder” around most males and hate every moment of it. If I were a female, I wouldn’t be forced to be a hardass, and could do away with being treated so roughly by other guys just because I’m a guy.
These do seem like silly delusions or misconceptions, but I can see it from both sides easily how partial males are to females. That’s never been the case for me, but guys never want to just talk like I do. So girls have always been great to befriend. I definitely don’t like guys, but…I know exceptions exist. I had a crush on my Digital Media teacher in college. This semi-tall Caucasian guy who seemed really artsy with glasses and a kind, youthful air about him. I couldn’t shake my feelings. There’s also another Hispanic guy at the barber shop I used to go to that’s very tall, seems nice, and seems like the kind of guy that all the ladies can’t keep their eyes off of. There have been a few others as well, but I’m certainly more keen on females…or at least guys who look like females and vice-versa.
I want to start looking up wigs, and considering cutting my hair so I can wear them comfortably. I wanted to grow it to straighten it, but it’s expensive and putting chemicals in your hair takes lots of attention and upkeep that I don’t want to really go through. I’m also considering asking a friend that I trust if she can teach me makeup techniques. I’m very limited in real girl friends who wear makeup, so we’ll see how that goes. I just need to get rid or better hide my male features as much as possible. I know this is all going to be very painful, but I’m tired of resisting these long-since prevalent desires for the sake of something I believe is real, then getting rejected every time I commit for little to stupid reason. So as with everything else I’ve self-taught myself…
…Baby steps. And I don’t expect much support either way…Bye bye.