#123: Return to Innocence

I don’t think I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. So perhaps, I just became boring and too caught up in keeping my head on straight. That wouldn’t be surprising. I know I’m not easy to love.

Living is easy. It’s all a matter of keeping your heart beating and your lungs breathing.
Loving is hard. It’s another thing all together and can fizzle out even when is appears the light is brightest.

I want to say that my days have been filled with many wonderful things. In many ways, they have been as I have made many decisions that I hope will lead me well throughout this year. However, starting the year with a negative premonition left me apprehensive, which is strange because I’ve done away with many elements of my personality that kept me from moving ahead.

You will lose much of what is precious to you. You will also gain what you have coveted for many years. Your pain will be parallel to your joy.

…is what I heard in my soul.

I thought I was capable of enduring anything that would change my life forever and for the better in the end, but I never saw this coming. What my life is and what it could be have now been warped in a way that mental strength alone can’t overcome. And yet, that is all I have to fight with.

To fight…To love…To live. All these things just keep exhausting me. I fight to lose. I love to hurt. I live to..understand. To exist.

I’ve never been so scared of a year in my life. 2011 doesn’t have to be a bad year. And like I said before…I’ve been taking larger steps these days. These are wonderful things and I’m ambitious enough to give it a try.

Funny that I think it’s this very line of thinking that keeps pushing people I love the most away from me unintentionally. Then again, some may just want to distance themselves from me. Maybe that’s why I don’t understand the flame called “love” as much as I believed I did. Maybe I suffocated the flame simply by being who I am.

A hard-working person who has put aside childish things. / Nothing anyone wants or appreciates.

Life is a struggle. / I’d cry myself to sleep if it would change anything.

Love fervently and passionately. / Devote nothing until they have first.

Your friends are most valuable. / They are easier to forgive and hurt you less.

Give it your all. / Rely on no one.

I’m sorry. For everything.

And with that, Ren’Ai has returned.

Why? She doesn’t want me. Ever. Didn’t even bother asking her what put the nail in the coffin. We’re still friends though, but I’m still as petrified and paranoid as ever. Despite being told this, I’d rather have her friendship than nothing at all. I’ll just be keeping my damn mouth shut a lot more often now.

The heart failed me. I failed me. I’ve got a lot of unrelated shit to say…

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