Almost made this blog completely cut off from the world.

And then I decided just to make necessary entries private.

I showed myself to someone who now may not even choose me in the end. And now, I can’t freely express myself because I am afraid they will read it and feel responsible when they made the right choice. This was the one thing I wanted to avoid when I made this place. So only people I trusted with my very soul would have direct access while only poor saps who happened across this URL would only know what was spewed in front of them.

However, I’m like a vase being shaped by the potter’s hand of life that can’t seem to keep its form. So desperately want to be put in the kiln but I can’t even maintain my shape anymore.

I’m terribly in love…but right now I don’t want them getting hurt or feeling responsible because of how badly I’m struggling to keep myself alive and sane. It’s just not possible. I trusted too soon. And it’s come to this…writing as Ren’Ai is the only relief I have. At least until I don’t have to live like this anymore. Until, for once in my damn life, someone will be ready to unconditionally love me without me having to live constantly in paranoia…

This hurts so much…all so I can move forward like them…! Even now I’m thinking of how they will read this in the future when I show it to them so that there will be no secrets. Even now…I’m still protecting the one I love…


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