Surface

…I know you don’t have any obligation to respond properly to me…and you may not even realize it, but you’re giving negatives messages by your recent vagueness, surprise decisions, and skimming over things that matter most. Our friendship & well-being & just being able to trust each other & talk about what’s bothering us is far more important than some contest.

I never want to lose you as my partner or friend and you mean a lot to me as a person…but let me know when you’re ready to be straight with me about what’s going on inside of you. You may not realize it, but I really can’t tell anymore what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, and if you’re passively pushing me out of your life. I sense you closing yourself off more and more from me like I’m a stranger. Why..?

I’m sorry if it seems like I’m overreacting, but meeting you has really been an adventure. You’re an amazing, talented lady that does what almost no one can do: Make me smile.

But something has changed in you and I don’t want to be scared of losing someone precious to me I love anymore…and I’ve probably done just that by sending this to you..

After I wrote this, I did not send it…because to send this would be to repeat exactly what I did three years ago. I sent “her” that letter, telling “her” of my honest feelings and hopes for a better future. All it did was make everything worse. The relationship died permanently weeks later.

I’m sick of fucking things up for myself. So I’m not going to be the one to do it, despite how I feel. Life will take its course. If she really does want me out of her life, it’ll happen without me setting off the explosion. Been doing pretty well so far just riding it out while taking shots to the heart.

This could very well kill me…because I firmly believe she is not conscious of her actions or what is happening on a psychological level.

And I’m a fucking guru.

If I make it alive…I’ll be a fucking war hero for how insane I am to withstand this. They do say “love makes you do crazy things”…but clearly I’m the only one committed, struggling, while she skips through life not acknowledging anything but what’s in front of her two eyes.

How nice that must be.

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