#119: If you’re bored and you know it, fuck yourself.

Writing this during work hours. However, I have no real work at the moment and can’t seem to find the document that says “hey, you paid so much interest on this loan that we’re giving it back on tax returns.” I’m very VERY distressed right now.

I just wrote a SecretTweet that said:

I’ve worked so hard, and now I can’t even pay 1/3 of my rent. I’m trying so hard to be resourceful, and all I want to do is cry.

These are the days I am wide awake to the reality of my own existence. Ren’Ai’s existence. I’m repressed for so long, but then there comes a breaking point where I just want to curse everyone out, cry into a pillow, and simply give up on everything that isn’t going to make me a better person.

I’ve already come to the point where anything that isn’t going to make me money has no place in my schedule. I’ve become a selfish, money-grubbing bitch, imploring those who have hired me for any work to pay me as soon as the job is done just so I can make it to the next month.

I can’t even make it to the end of this month, and I knew this the moment the new year came in. This is the last month I’ll be able to live like this. Within five months or less, I will likely have to give up my privacy and the space I’ve called home and move in with my mother and her boyfriend. I now have to tell my mother that I cannot pay my rent, utilities, car insurance, etc.

I’ve dried up. Completely.

A girl friend of mine offered to help me out, but I don’t want anyone’s money. I don’t want to be seen as pitiful or helpless. I don’t want to be “treated” just so I can hang out with my friends and not starve. I’ve always been a capable person to see through anything and growl right back in the face of adversity.

But now I just want to shoot anyone who tells me about their fucking paycheck and turn off all the business articles I have coming at me about success stories and money. Fuck them.

Fuck all the people who are just sitting around twiddling their thumbs in comfort claiming that there is shit for them to do. Not ONCE have I EVER complained that I had nothing to do. Not once have I ever flaunted the fact that I was doing well. Maybe a few times I felt the need to make light of how easy-going my job was, but I always worked to get the job done and spent my funds sparingly.

And here I am with no money in my wallet, less than $200 in my bank account, and only one more undercut backup savings even less than that sitting in PayPal. I don’t even have the support of a lover, something I’ve wanted, but could live without until I was stable.

This is it.

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