#116: I Change

Over a period of years, I begin to understand just the kind of person I am. The person who relies on no one. The person who doesn’t trouble anyone. The person who won’t let go of who they are for the sake of someone else. i wasn’t always like this.

For months, I have been torn between seeking a tangible relationship. My eyes and my heart have been oddly open towards anyone who showed even a few hours worth of consistent interest in who I am. I began to wonder what had set me off on this unreasonable tangent that earlier this year I was hardly so engrossed in. I did not find my answer, but I did realize something on an unconscious level.

I change because I fight against the darkness in my heart. I’m not a pure person. No one is, but with so many people saying such things to me, it’s easy to think that I’m okay. I haven’t been okay for months, and moreso lately. I figured I would just get through it and keep fighting for the sake of something beyond myself. That realization was centered around me not only fighting, but me fighting with no way to truly rest. Once I realized how deeply battle-scarred I was, my subconscious must have connected a portion of that to my pursuit of a relationship.

And so, I find that I have regained the part of myself that I used to be. The person who works hard for themselves. The person who can believe in themselves without needing anyone’s approval. The person who no longer pursues a potential relationship as an excuse to be motivated and find solace. Some will say that it is impossible to change yourself in a day’s time. I say that if you have always owned a certain personality trait or mindset that had inexplicably been replaced, you can surely obtain it again through mental/emotional desperation or shock.

The only way I change is in moments where I am up against a wall, bleeding and tired, with no other options left before me. I became sick of the struggle and stress I was putting myself through when I have so many other important things to take care of. I did not choose to change. I simply understood that I had, and for the sake of relieving myself of something trivial and expendable for another day.

Love will come when it is good and ready to. In the mean time, I’ll be over here not giving a shit and preparing myself for when someone will give a shit about me without me wasting my time trying to convince them that I’m worth it. I have too much on me right now…and that is something I really don’t need in my life regardless of how much I want it.

Though now, I feel that I have zero desire to be around anyone. That will work itself out.

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