#115: What do you want from me…?

Been thinking a lot about my relationship with the one I call “blue-eyed beauty.” I’ve also spoken to trusted people about what the heck her motivation in hanging out with me could be. I’ve come to a pretty good conclusion I think.

Our relationship is severely fucked up. Rather, how she handles our friendship makes no logical sense.

I’ve been holding back a lot of my feelings and thoughts from this blog out of my own sense of guilt for blaming her for how I perceive her actions. I don’t like blaming people and I don’t like pinning the blame on one person because usually there is something more behind it. But at this point, who gives a shit. I’m going to be a civil bitch.

If you want to hang out with me, why don’t you ever call me? If you like talking to me, why do you rarely respond to me? If you’re enjoying yourself with me, why the hell don’t you want me? What are you hiding from me? What are you too afraid to have happen to you by opening your heart to me? What am I doing wrong? Where am I falling short in what you look for in someone? Why don’t you tell me how you truly feel? Why haven’t we had not one “serious” talk in the half year you’ve known me? What do you want from me…?

Everything just seems like I’m chasing after someone who doesn’t bother to look behind her. She runs straight ahead, not looking for anyone to catch her, and yet is happy when someone comes up along side of her. I don’t even want to be a romantic relationship with her anymore because she rarely takes initiative in what she wants. She “goes with the flow” and simply lets things and people steer her along. For someone who has been so genuinely independent in her youth, I am baffled by this. At first I thought it was alright; that we’d be fine as long as I pulled her strings and kept making suggestions. But really…I’m sick of it. I care about her and love being her friend. So much so that I’m willing to continue banging my head against the wall so that she can open up the door once in a while and see who is making all that racket.

Clearly though, it does not settle well with me at all that she would not realize or care if I dropped off her radar completely. I’ve already asked her out and was turned down. No harm there because I honestly enjoy spending time with her. All the awkwardness of calling me should have gone out the window. And yet, I’m about to not call her for how ever long until she picks up her damn phone and fucking calls me of her own volition to do something fun together.

I love slice-of-life anime. They help me to realize how so fucking kindhearted I am to sacrifice myself to hold a friendship together. I’m sorry, “blue-eyed beauty.” Now that I know you don’t have any romantic feelings for me, I’m not going to chase you anymore. Friendship is a two-way street, just like romance. If you want to hang out with me, I’ll be here. Just call me.

I won’t be calling you until you show me that you fucking care about someone who cares about you.

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