#112: No More

I live my life as if I don’t have a family.

I live with my older brother that I…deal with and share space with, a mother living with her boyfriend who I rarely see anymore, a father who I don’t see anymore now that he’s moved to Central US to be with his new wife, an older, married sister who I see more rarely than my mother, and a brother-in-law who I could see but don’t because our interests one-on-one don’t mesh well. I also have two best friends who care quietly and a close friend that I only see or hear from on weekends that I could lose, gain, or fracture my relationship with two days from now.

In the midst of all of this, it’s almost as if I’m all by myself. Living for the moment. Tolerating my job. Expecting much too much of myself. And killing myself in the process with all this.

I wish someone would scoop me up in their arms – someone I wanted to hold me – and tell me that I’m not by myself. Instead, I’m constantly comforting myself, not turning to anyone because I don’t want to be a whiner or trouble other people with my issues. I fucking HATE people who are constantly bitching about how life sucks and how lonely they are. The only reason why I’m not one of those people is because I’m too busy telling myself that despite how shitty things are, they could be a ton worse. Those people that I fucking hate are the ones I’m willing to stick my neck out for and reach out to. And what do I get in return? Nothing. Little to no appreciation or they just love drowning themselves in their pool of pitifulness so much that it’s almost like they’re laughing at me every time I comfort them.

So I leave them behind…because I’m under too much pressure myself to deal with their stubbornness. I’d lose my mind otherwise. I’m sick of this. I’m sick of having so many “connections” online but not one person within physical reach who can take a fucking hint and really love on me…

This has been the absolute slowest week for me ever. This entire week has been going in slow-motion, as if in anticipation for my own failure when the “tiger” attempts to catch the “rabbit”. One moment I can’t focus on my work for more than an hour. And the next, my entire existence is wrapped up in whatever I am pursuing. One day I’m fine and dandy holding it together. The next I don’t want anyone near me, knowing that no one that I wanted to be near me would be anyway.

Moreso than not, I’ve felt myself slipping back into the state I predicted and actually fell into when my ex ended everything with me. For the better half of 2008, I was in a state of complete mental revision, engrossed in my work and caring about very little. Eventually, I rebooted and came to terms with my life and what I could do with it; the freedom that I now had to spend with my best friends without having to feel encased in a glass wall of guilt.

And then, at the end of 2008, I was introduced to “her”. I did everything in my power to break into her shell, but that didn’t happen until at least two months after, and a few days prior to quitting trying to win her over. 4 1/2 months later, I’m sitting here, wondering what she thought of my text – that she was on my mind – and why she had nothing to reply back with. When I put myself out there and I don’t get a response, it fucking hurts because I think that they give a shit.

What kind of person am I about to ask out anyway…?

Clearly not someone who knows how to reach out to someone they care about. Clearly not someone who will speak up and say what’s really in their heart. Clearly someone who’s just like me and yet not.

I chase so hard after everything I believe I can attain because I believe that nothing is unattainable until it smacks you in the face and says “you can’t have me.” I’m not lonely…I’m hurting, tired, and I’m waiting for someone who will be willing to share my pain with me. Not because I just happened to be around them, but because they wanted me to just sit there and cry.

Living like this day after day…clinging to what faith and hope I have in what is possible is all I have. I really just want to let everything and everyone go and never come back. No one gets it, and no one wants to get it. And that’s fine because the world doesn’t revolve around me. It’s all about looking out for number one, right…?

Bullshit. A thousand times.

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