#110: If Tomorrow Comes

Spending the entire afternoon into mid evening with the person you are rapidly falling for [who is looking absolutely amazing, might I add] and her family is a dizzying experience. I’m not used to such things, especially large family gatherings, but after spending so much time with “blue-eyed beauty” at her house, I’ve somehow become acknowledged as family.

Those words coming from a non-relative’s mouth has never happened before…aside from my best friends. If you knew of my previous disaster of a relationship, you would know that I was not even close to being accepted as family. In fact, my ex was ashamed to be with me because she knew that others in and outside of her family would never accept me as family.

On top of that, I have never wanted to touch that lovely woman so much in the four months I have known her more than I wanted to today…

Everything feels so natural when I’m with her now. Both of us just shrugged off the fact that we were the only odd people without a lover. All of her younger sisters, aunts, uncles, and obviously her mother are all pinned in one way or another. And yet we continue to be in this quiet place of normalcy known as an amazing friendship. I’d love to know how many people have questioned our status, and at the same time, I couldn’t give a shit.

What’s beginning to drive me crazy is that everything is indeed normal between us, and yet it isn’t. We fold our arms together when we’re watching a movie. I’m not holding her hand. Her hair isn’t in my face. My lips aren’t touching her skin. Our hugs are one-handed. Anything that hints at a physical connection is stiff. To me, that’s not normal. I truly believe both of us don’t want to offend the other person by trying.

My head hurts a lot right now (I think two wine coolers and video games might have been a bit much), and I received some pretty depressing news when I got home. So, the only thing keeping me from going emo-batshit is again divulging my emotions into the ether stream of data information known as the internet, not caring who reads and not caring about who cares about who might come across this blog. I just want tomorrow to come already so that I could be one day closer to seeing her again and one day closer to when I’m going to confess to her.

She is my ideal. I have made that decision in the most unconscious way possible: From the inside out. I hope four and a half months has been long enough for her to have made her decision too…

Please choose me…You’re exactly what I have longed for in my life.


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