#107: Only Two

It’s very easy to say something like, “Oh I never get lonely because I’m so independent” or “I’m perfectly fine living alone.” However, when you’re living in the midst of something that grows in prevalence every so often when you least expect it, it’s easier said than done to deny human nature. The need to be near someone and to have someone who wants to be near you is an experience that I believe very few people cherish. Mostly because in this day and age, “being near someone” equates to fucking them…and I’m not like that in the slightest.

I really have no idea what’s going on in my mind lately. Everything just seems very off. Thoughts of dropping everything and stopping all of my hopeful plans just seems like the easiest way to just let go and be free. I could never do that though. It’s not in me to give up…and I hate giving up, which is why I can’t ever submit to the idea of being alone for the rest of my life. That possibility can’t ever settle in, no matter how lonely I become.

There are so many people who have the luxury of being held at a moment’s notice. Others have the pleasure of knowing that someone is not only thinking about them, but feeling for them in their heart. I don’t believe anyone is really doing that for me, or has done that for me in a long time. No matter how much I desire it, no matter how much I have to offer someone, it’s…just not happening for me. I’m not the only one this applies to either, so my writing this is an utter waste of data anyway.

My ability to focus on my goals is becoming more difficult than ever before. Though I have friends, I feel like no one is listening. I don’t want someone’s pity either. I don’t want to go to other people’s blogs, leave well thought-out commentary just so they have an incentive to read my emotional dribble. I’m sick of that, and I’m sick of how that’s become the general consensus on the communal internet – I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine type of shit. Fuckin’ hate it. I just want someone to legitimately give a shit about what I do because they have sincere love for me and I will do the same for them because I have sincere love for them.

Like I said; it’s all easier said than done. The irony of it all is that two is such a small, yet significant amount that holds so much meaning in a human’s life. Again, very few people care enough to see this, and they’re the ones flaunting, drowning in the luxury of romanticism…

How spoiled so many filthy humans are…

You never fully comprehend the tangibility of what you have obtained until all manner of convenience has died. Keep taking it for granted.

– Ren’Ai

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One thought on “#107: Only Two

  1. It sounds like you are very lonely 😦

    You can be near someone and be too far, and vice verse. I experienced this in some online interaction where we were close, yet vast distance and some other things separated us… On the other hand, humans also long for physical proximity. Sitting close to each other, holding hands, hugging – all these things are precious. Unfortunately, I don’t have these things and miss them, but this is because of my personal choice due to a transitional period in my life.

    You are a resilient person, and I am sure you will persevere! Don’t let this loneliness deter you from your goals!

    It is always a pleasure to read your thoughts because they are very honest and well written. I wish I could help you somehow. Perhaps, one of the options for you is to go out more and interact with people more frequently, so that eventually you can find someone.

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