Sitting here in my room by myself, not doing much of anything when I could be doing something causes one to be more self-aware than they would normally be if their mind was occupied by something or someone. In my case, this led my mind to drift to the thoughts of a friend of mine who I do care for. Though only for a moment, I thought of how she was doing or if she was doing all right. Maybe it was because she usually txts me at least once a week during my work hours just to say “hey, I’m bored in class,” but she didn’t this week.
Minutes later, I receive a txt from her. She’s having a depression fit and doesn’t know what to do. I reach out to her, only to find that she is also having suicidal thoughts. Joy.
Rewind back nearly a decade to my first year having the internet in my mother’s apartment. I was 13, and excited to explore what a blazing 56kbps connection to the outside world had to offer me. I soon encountered many other females within my age bracket who I became friends with through text role-playing. However, even in the midst of my own emotional struggles, I soon found myself being the reason why many of them didn’t commit suicide. I was always the one they could turn to for an encouraging word, even though I needed to be encouraged myself and had no one wise enough to console me through the idiocy of the divorce drama and the dating mother’s ignorance. I was wise enough to start keeping a journal – a small Christmas gift from the same girl who is now asking me why she feels so empty…
Thankfully, I’ve broken contact with many of these clingy people who didn’t know how to confront their own internal demons. I also make a point, even more so now, to not have people become emotionally dependent on me, thanks to my last mess of a relationship. However, I am the person who was also known to be “a good friend” to many other girls during my high school years. Crying, angry, depressed, etc. – I was there. Though I will be there for her in this current struggle – she’s dealing with a lot of pressure and crap from school, work, and the Navy – I do hope she can discern just what the hell brought her so low in the first place.
I’m not God. I’m flawed. I can’t always be the one, but maybe, somehow, I guess I’m supposed to have this desire. I just don’t want to get hurt for my troubles.
UPDATE: 12-minute conversation and all I had to do was listen. She got her own reality check BEFORE she called me. I was also the only one she told that she was having suicidal thoughts. That says two things: There must be a God, and I am a special kind of person. I’m thankful.