I am at work right now. However, I’m taking my lunch break out of pure frustration. Nothing has really gone right for me today. Actually, honing my frustration will only make this entry that much more worth writing.
I meant to write here yesterday evening – and I very well could have if I had remembered – but now I am I writing here for the sake of what over-thinking caused me to realize yesterday morning in the shower. I want to remember just how much of a fucking hypocrite I am. The last entry I wrote was so pitiful and hypocritical to the kind of person that I am myself.
There I was, writing about how some girl I just met about a month ago should have the decency to return my call when all the while I’m batting some other attention-sick girl off me because she is expecting me to pick up my phone whenever she calls me. How in the world can I be so ignorant of my own actions? Why in the world would I set expectations for a girl who lives the same as I do? She and I work hard and make life happen, letting nothing and no one stand in her way, but I’m still getting hurt and moping around because she didn’t call me?!
What the hell…
This “blue-eyed beauty” does not belong to me. She should live her life without having to rise to the expectations of anyone just as I do. What she does is her choice. What I do is my choice. I’ve realized that waiting for something to happen is, frankly, retarded. Not to mention that I’ve allowed my own judgment and emotions to be clouded by my own nonsense with only myself to blame.
Yes, I like her. Yes, we are friends. Yes, I am a retard. Yes, I am lonely.
Now that that’s cleared up, it’s time to go back to the way I was before I met her – working so that I achieve all that I believe I can do. When I have time, I’ll call her and hopefully she’ll pick up. When she has time, she can do what she wants, which may or may not include calling me. I’m sick of living like a puppet hanging by a thin string that can either be played or snapped in an instant. The sad thing is, I was the puppet and the puppeteer.
I fucking fail at this game so hard. Glad I realized how much of a fool I was for trying to win her over someone who has appears to have no desire to be won over. Ironically, she and I are both blind in that regard, her moreso than me obviously. Or maybe I’m just such a fucking “good friend.” Whatever. Time to close my eyes again, leave her alone, quit being a hypocrite, quit hurting myself repeatedly, and just fucking live. That’s all I can do…until someone sees me and I, in turn, see them.