#101: As It Stands

We agreed that she (the blue-eyed beauty) would call me – once face to face before I left the passenger seat of her car and once with a hand-signal during a tumultuous time of her being at work.

I called her at noon today, knowing well that there was a low chance she would not pick up due to sheer exhaustion of her week. I was right…about her not picking up. The second half of that statement I have no clue about. So, with that hope lost, I decided to not go straight home and idle around Barnes and Noble and the arcade of a movie theatre in case she did call me. I worked on my DDRing at the arcade, watched some novices play, then trekked to B&N and wound up reading the first two chapters of a book on learning PHP. Saw some manga, but not the ones I wanted.

90 minutes later (2:30PM), she had not returned my call. At that point, I drove home with yet another expectation wasted.

I began thinking about what the hell I was doing. Why did I keep going out of my way for someone who clearly is not fazed by my efforts to show that friendship and a relationship are in my pure intentions for her. I began to recall past romantic interests, knowing that I had yet again chosen a challenging female – one who has the potential to feel, laugh, smile, think, and live without relying on anyone else. I had chosen another me, and yet she isn’t another me.

I would return a phone call if I were interested in speaking with someone. Or if I did not have the strength to hold a conversation, I would txt them to let them know that I had remembered what was agreed upon. However, the day is over and I have heard nothing.

What does this mean? How am I supposed to take this? As it stands, I have no idea if she has any true interest in me. Someone who was interested in pursuing any form of relationship would at least contact them. However, I’m left to ponder the possibilities of her day and continue to justify this action as simply one made out of exhaustion. Her week was a rough one, and mine could not compare. We come from two different occupations, and I have done all possible to understand her world. Yet I’m still left in mild despair, fighting with myself to make sense of where I stand in her mind.

I’m starting to think I should do nothing and see what happens. She is not the type to become troubled over something like not returning a phone call. However, I am. If I keep doing something to show my honesty, I may only continue to be disappointed. If I shut down and quit having any sort of expectations, I become the loser, nothing will really happen, and she will go on living as she was before she ever met me. If stay as I am, the lingering thought of “I’m wasting my time with someone who won’t look at me” will keep nagging me day after day.

I really am a masochist. I truly am a fool. Any other person, I’m sure, would have just said fuck it and moved on…but if I could be the one to have her look at me in a way that would show true feelings, then I would have won someone rare and precious. Yes, this is who I am…and I want to know who she is when she drops her guard, lets go of her work-oriented cloak, and becomes simply a woman with real needs and wants and desires…I want to be the one who sees that, but does she even want that?

I’ll just wait for her call and do nothing more.

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