#100: What’s the difference?

So…hello 2009. Hello blog I haven’t written in since October 2008. Hello new relationships I’ve encountered in just a matter of weeks that make me want to pull my hair out.

And still, the question lingers: What’s the difference?

What’s the difference between the me of last year and the me of now. Well, for starters, I’m not as sexually conflicted. I basically know where I stand and where I need to stand because of the people I’ve met and simply proving that girls are for me.

I’ve actually encountered one girl who hears where I come from and is very much like me. There is one problem though: We both have never been in a legitimate relationship and I’m too emotionally transparent while she isn’t. Her personality and enjoyment I get from being around her is enough to hold my interest in her, but I find myself spouting my frustrations to my friends about how I should just ask out someone who already has an idea of what they desire. Like a 17-year old girl I met at an anime con and frequently communicate with. Sad thing is that though I say them to be funny, I somewhat mean them.

I’m 22 years old, and have been getting by purely on my beliefs, my friends, and my work. That hasn’t changed since my last excuse for a relationship ended forever. However, at least once a week since 2009 began, I become acutely aware of how lonely of a person I am and long for someone to fill that gap. I turn anti-social, and hate sleeping. I joke more frequently about my friends and their relationships in order to deafen myself to the truth of how unexpected my singleness is compared to them.

The difference is that I have become more social in my pursuits of a certain blue-eyed Korean girl, but more pathetic than I have been as I continue to downplay just how tired I am of taking on such grand challenges just to make my claim to a woman that much sweeter. Maybe I’m not pathetic though. Maybe I just refuse to settle for less in every facet of my life.

So, what kind of difference can I make in this year…hm?

By the way, happy 100th entry to me.


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