I went out tonight just to have a good time with a few of my friends. Had a great time, but I had my phone off most of the time. Upon arriving home, I feel my phone buzz and what do I find? Two messages. One from a friend I was just with and one from my mother. Mother made me feel horrible again, insinuating that she doesn’t hear from me enough. I don’t even call or hear from my father half as much as I do with my mother. To top it off, we spoke yesterday.
Anyway, great night up until that point.
Some things are left unsaid regarding my friend’s message, since it was directly related to a serious event that I had no knowledge of. By receiving that message, I felt more out of the loop of what was going on than before. I didn’t bother inquiring about it further when I was denied access to that information, but I was fine with that…as long as we could all still have a great time. And we did, but I made sure of that by being my outgoing, boisterous self and making everything worth smiling about. The message, though completely justified, brought all of those suppressed feelings back.
And so, I ended the night there and called my mother without getting into any drama over her text message. My head was throbbing the entire outing anyway. I don’t like conflict unless I’m interested in engaging in a discussion. Otherwise, it’s just a waste of effort when I could be doing other things…like resting.
“Since we’re on this kick of me not being heard from, why don’t I call my father too,” I thought to myself. He didn’t answer, and it was just as well. Wasn’t too in the mood for being gently lectured about my faith and my life, though I don’t take it offensively. He does mean well, but I never really have anything much to share about my progress in the game of life, which leads to an open-ended tangent. I do love him, but age has made him more long-winded than what I recall.
Some things are better left unsaid. Yeah, some things. Otherwise…I just get sad, jaded, and anti-social because I have no idea why I am giving them a hug. If I can’t do it, someone else can. Someone who cares more than I do. Someone who can be there more than I can. Someone who isn’t limited by poignant circumstances.
Someone who isn’t me.