You know that feeling that people sometimes get…when they want to be held so tightly, so desperately, but so adamantly want to be left alone at the same time? Yeah, that’s what I feel right now. There is a person who would happily hold me (in text), but I don’t want them near me because I know the truth. The truth that says “I don’t like you like that, so stop suffocating me and wasting your time with me already”. Oh, and now I’m scared she’ll read this. No, she won’t because I won’t reveal this place of mine to her unless we are 100% devoted to one another…and chances are, that won’t happen.
So, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by pesky emotions…I am writing here to regain some sense of comfort that doesn’t involve physical contact. I was so in need of this that I almost went out in the rain, wearing the worst possible combination of tank-top and shorts and just stand in it. But because I value my amazing health, I decided that would be illogical. Before that, I binged on ero anime and that was a great time of just watching a series that tries so hard to have substance, but is really just a bunch of eye-candy for lonely hikkikomori who can’t work up the courage to talk to a living, thinking female. I almost feel like whipping out a bishoujo game I have and trying to play it, just so I can feel what they feel — acknowledged, thought of, and comforted.
Instead, I am filling this white space with haphazard text that spills from my mind and heart at will in a way that only I can truly distinguish which is which…not that I am trying to or even care to. I’m actually pretty irritated right now, and their presence is making me want to turn reclusive — not care about relationships or being social or any of that nonsense and just be a responsible adult who gets their kicks from ero anime and interwebs. I haven’t even responded to her in the last five or so minutes because all she is doing is trying to get my attention…and it’s irritating…! What is sad is that for a time, she was comforting to me. I could talk up a storm with her and we had fun. Now I only feel like talking when she turns on her webcam…and NOT for the reason you’re thinking of at all. What’s sadder is that I’ve become almost totally put off by her, but still encourage and comfort her when she needs it.
All I want is to go back to Japan and find more of myself in a different world. I miss that life and the people that inhabited my life. America is claustrophobic, and I’m getting annoyed over not being able to find a decent place of my own to stay.
So, writing about it makes me feel better…for now at least. Feel better about everything and writing about everything without anyone asking me “why”. I’m sick of being asked “why”…I’m tired…