Writing My Comfort

renaiemotionalYou know that feeling that people sometimes get…when they want to be held so tightly, so desperately, but so adamantly want to be left alone at the same time? Yeah, that’s what I feel right now. There is a person who would happily hold me (in text), but I don’t want them near me because I know the truth. The truth that says “I don’t like you like that, so stop suffocating me and wasting your time with me already”. Oh, and now I’m scared she’ll read this. No, she won’t because I won’t reveal this place of mine to her unless we are 100% devoted to one another…and chances are, that won’t happen.

So, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by pesky emotions…I am writing here to regain some sense of comfort that doesn’t involve physical contact. I was so in need of this that I almost went out in the rain, wearing the worst possible combination of tank-top and shorts and just stand in it. But because I value my amazing health, I decided that would be illogical. Before that, I binged on ero anime and that was a great time of just watching a series that tries so hard to have substance, but is really just a bunch of eye-candy for lonely hikkikomori who can’t work up the courage to talk to a living, thinking female. I almost feel like whipping out a bishoujo game I have and trying to play it, just so I can feel what they feel — acknowledged, thought of, and comforted.

Instead, I am filling this white space with haphazard text that spills from my mind and heart at will in a way that only I can truly distinguish which is which…not that I am trying to or even care to. I’m actually pretty irritated right now, and their presence is making me want to turn reclusive — not care about relationships or being social or any of that nonsense and just be a responsible adult who gets their kicks from ero anime and interwebs. I haven’t even responded to her in the last five or so minutes because all she is doing is trying to get my attention…and it’s irritating…! What is sad is that for a time, she was comforting to me. I could talk up a storm with her and we had fun. Now I only feel like talking when she turns on her webcam…and NOT for the reason you’re thinking of at all. What’s sadder is that I’ve become almost totally put off by her, but still encourage and comfort her when she needs it.

All I want is to go back to Japan and find more of myself in a different world. I miss that life and the people that inhabited my life. America is claustrophobic, and I’m getting annoyed over not being able to find a decent place of my own to stay.

So, writing about it makes me feel better…for now at least. Feel better about everything and writing about everything without anyone asking me “why”. I’m sick of being asked “why”…I’m tired…

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8 thoughts on “Writing My Comfort

  1. Ah, I am glad I stumbled on your blog again!

    Your writing is quite eloquent – I enjoyed reading it ๐Ÿ™‚ However, it seems you are not feeling well ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

    If you do not have the same feelings for her now, perhaps, it is time for you to part. It does not have to be sudden though, take your time. You have plenty of other problems in your life right now, don’t let that relationship make you more depressed.

  2. You think my writing is eloquent? Wow…that really goes against everything I thought was possible with my musings, but thank you nevertheless. Can I keep you? ^^;

    Ah, I think you are mistaken about my relationship. The girl I speak of is in a 100% platonic relationship with me. She, however, wants my body like no one’s business. Last night was just a bad night for her to be making moves on me over IM is all. She is a good friend, but has the sex drive of a horny male. >_>

  3. Oh, so it is not as bad as I thought ๐Ÿ™‚

    “sex drive of a horny male” hahahaha Well, maybe it is not such a bad thing ๐Ÿ˜› Although I see what you mean – I wound not want a girlfriends with an excessive sex drive. It is usually best to let the relationship take its time, let it develop instead of rushing things.

  4. You’re telling me. She has no kind of patience for relationships and honestly believes that forcing herself on me is going to eventually produce a different reaction. It gets frustrating to say the very least. Does more damage actually. If I were more into her, that wouldn’t be such a bad thing at all, you know? Still, excessive sex drive is excessive, and I know you what I mean. ^^

  5. That’s the crazy thing. I already have…more than once, on different occasions. She is stubborn like that, but then I am stubborn in my own way but not like that. When someone wants to be left alone, I leave them alone and shut up.

  6. Oh my… She is really into it, isn’t she? ๐Ÿ˜› Maybe you have to be more direct? This situation is quite delicate, so use your best judgment.

    An alternative, that is somewhat more tricky, is to inform your mutual friend about this and let her/him talk to the girl indirectly about the issue.

  7. Kitsune, you’re a sweetheart. I hope you get this, but I take the direct approach with her 90% of the time. Did with her today when she started moping and saying she “couldn’t do anything right.” I hate it when people start saying lies like that.

    As for a mutual friend, that person doesn’t exist, seeing as how she found me over the net from a community we are registered at. Even if one did, getting someone else to talk to someone for me about an issue is something I haven’t believed in since I grew up in college.

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