Notice how I only update this blog when I am dealing with some trial or another…It’s pretty sad, but this is why it’s a memoir blog. Can be anything I want it to be because it may or may not be about me.
Anyway, lately I’ve become so very troubled and needed an outlet. Thing is, I don’t know how to share this with my best friends, nor do I know how to cry and release all the frustration and anger that is within me. Contrary to what my entries might let on, I’m not an angry person; I let go of that years ago. But now, I’m starting to wake up angry/frustrated, go to sleep angry/frustrated, and starting to realize that if I’m living as if I had no family that was alive. I think I know how this started.
I’m assuming no one really lies in wait for me to update Meganekko Memoirs, so I’m going to double assume that no one knows that I still live in the same apartment with my mother as I work out my financial habits in order to find my own place. I’m technically an adult, mind you. Through the last month and a half though, my mother has been not coming home for one reason or another and spending the night with her boyfriend. This leaves the apartment completely to myself. I have lived in my own space before, but I was always surrounded by someone that could affect my moods in a positive way. Now…I’ve steadily become this neutral, isolated entity that interacts moreso on average with my cat more than I do with humans, even though I go out to my job.
This has left me jaded in regards to relationships, especially now that my best friends have found each other. The fact is, I’m frustrated because I work, keep the apartment clean & tidy, and cook for myself, but have no one physically here for me to share this space with. My mother does. My older sister does. My older brother is in a long-distance thing. My friends do. The girl who likes me is finally going to try someone who is willing to do a long-distance relationship. And the most frustrating thing of all is that I never cared this much about having someone by my my side. Probably because there was always another person there to occupy the space.
I’m becoming lonelier, and everyone that knows me says I shouldn’t have to be. That I deserve to be happy. Well…”I’m losing all sense of what is beautiful in the world”, and it’s changing me for the worst…and I’m scared I may do something unwise.
To better understand that quote above, watch Byousoku 5 Centimeter. This masterpiece film really paints a clear picture of my emotions…and how neutral I’m becoming towards the space I live in. I own it, so I may watch it again just so I can cry.
For now though, settle for this old favorite of mine: Dave Matthews Band – “The Space Between”