The Space Between Emotions

renaineutralNotice how I only update this blog when I am dealing with some trial or another…It’s pretty sad, but this is why it’s a memoir blog. Can be anything I want it to be because it may or may not be about me.

Anyway, lately I’ve become so very troubled and needed an outlet. Thing is, I don’t know how to share this with my best friends, nor do I know how to cry and release all the frustration and anger that is within me. Contrary to what my entries might let on, I’m not an angry person; I let go of that years ago. But now, I’m starting to wake up angry/frustrated, go to sleep angry/frustrated, and starting to realize that if I’m living as if I had no family that was alive. I think I know how this started.

I’m assuming no one really lies in wait for me to update Meganekko Memoirs, so I’m going to double assume that no one knows that I still live in the same apartment with my mother as I work out my financial habits in order to find my own place. I’m technically an adult, mind you. Through the last month and a half though, my mother has been not coming home for one reason or another and spending the night with her boyfriend. This leaves the apartment completely to myself. I have lived in my own space before, but I was always surrounded by someone that could affect my moods in a positive way. Now…I’ve steadily become this neutral, isolated entity that interacts moreso on average with my cat more than I do with humans, even though I go out to my job.

This has left me jaded in regards to relationships, especially now that my best friends have found each other. The fact is, I’m frustrated because I work, keep the apartment clean & tidy, and cook for myself, but have no one physically here for me to share this space with. My mother does. My older sister does. My older brother is in a long-distance thing. My friends do. The girl who likes me is finally going to try someone who is willing to do a long-distance relationship. And the most frustrating thing of all is that I never cared this much about having someone by my my side. Probably because there was always another person there to occupy the space.

I’m becoming lonelier, and everyone that knows me says I shouldn’t have to be. That I deserve to be happy. Well…”I’m losing all sense of what is beautiful in the world”, and it’s changing me for the worst…and I’m scared I may do something unwise.

To better understand that quote above, watch Byousoku 5 Centimeter. This masterpiece film really paints a clear picture of my emotions…and how neutral I’m becoming towards the space I live in. I own it, so I may watch it again just so I can cry.

For now though, settle for this old favorite of mine: Dave Matthews Band – “The Space Between”


2 thoughts on “The Space Between Emotions

  1. Ren’Ai, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I just accidentally found your blog today, and I must say it looks really nice 🙂 I especially like the header. The Space Between is a good song, but 5 cm is still on my to watch list – I really have to see it soon.

    All people had similar emotions you are experiencing now at one point or another in their lives. I encourage you to talk to your good friends about your feelings. Since they are your best friends, you can talk to them about any topic and they will listen. Do watch 5 cm and cry if you feel like it. Lock the emotions up inside you, and you will lock away parts of yourself.

    What do you do after you return from work? Do you have any hobbies? It would be good to go out with your friends and have fun. Instant messaging is another option, but, since it is the physical presence that you really miss, it would be best to find a boy/girlfriend.

    If your emotions are going to have a long-term significant detrimental effect on your daily functioning, consider seeking professional help.

  2. I really appreciate you taking the time to leave a constructive comment, Kitsune. ^^ I’m glad you like this blog. The header was designed by an online acquaintance of mine.

    I figured others share my emotions, but then I remember that only I have lived this unique life. That leads me to believe that not everything I feel can be compared to someone else. I think my friends somewhat know, and I don’t feel the need to cry anymore…for now. ^_^;

    That’s funny that you would ask what I do when I get home from work. The things I mentioned in my entry, as well as exercise, read, and catching up on various sites are what I normally do. My friends work different hours than I do. So I rarely see them. As usual, I’m in no rush to get pinned, but I am also trying not to be anxious about someone I do hope likes me.

    Hmm..professional help? That’s something I would never do b/c I know I would never wind up that far gone. I do appreciate the advice overall though. Even though you don’t know me very well, it’s comforting to know there are other kind souls who don’t mind reaching out to a random internet person.

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