Paradoxical Constraint of Life & Love

renaisensualMnemosyne.

A place between life and death.

A concept that gives new meaning to “life is short.”

And here I am typing nonsense yet again just so I can make sense of the tumultuous emotions racing through my veins. I am in pain..caught in between the ideas of reality and fantasy. What’s more, caught in between my own values and sense of self. It has been a long time since I have felt like wandering absolutely nowhere, but it is much too late for that now. So I sit in my room, awaiting a time where maybe I will be able to rest and allow my thoughts to settle down.

That’s it. I must be just very fatigued from missing out in precious sleep. And thus, it becomes easy to slip away from what is real. Easy to escape what is true. Easy to forget all that must be done in order to truly make the best of the life I have. Working so hard every day to, in some way, shape a future for myself. I know I’m not alone, and I don’t want to be alone physically.

She’s here…and just as Mnemosyne, she is drawn to me physically – taking advantage of every possible innuendo to win me into her arms. And you know what? I want to be won. I have longed to be chased after just like this, but I always believed I would be the pursuer. How can someone like me be as an angel to her? Who am I to be seen in such a light when I am struggling to escape the darkness every day?

I’m falling in love…but once more…I feel as though I am being seduced into the same trap of foolishness as I was other times before. I am not as I once was, and yet I am desired in this way. My hormones are running mad with confusion and doubt and passion. I would say lust, but I am not one for carnal sustenance.

Jimmy Eat World’s “Praise Chorus” has the right idea for me. “I wanna fall in love tonight,” but I won’t let myself fall…Je t’amie? Aishitekure? You can’t. I can’t.

Not yet…No matter how much…I…

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2 thoughts on “Paradoxical Constraint of Life & Love

  1. Simply the use of an allusion to Mnemosyne (mythical or anime, though I’m not familiar with the latter) got me :)… Hope you find your place in the sun, out of the darkness.

  2. Thank you for your kind words. I had wondered if this would “get” anyone as I normally do when ever I write here. I had been watching the anime “Mnemosyne” when I wrote this. And so, the allusion was intentional, though I had no idea where I was going with my thought-processes. Call this a stream of consciousness…which is most of what you will see here anyway if you stick around.

    The darkness haunts me because I can never fully be myself. I hope the same for myself.

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