I just got back from visiting a place on the internet that really stirred up and began much of who I am today. However, that precious place is also a place that I had to abandon the moment I accepted reality for what it was: Difficult, brutal, and unfriendly at times. That “world” I had allowed myself to be sucked into was no longer fitting for me because I couldn’t live in it with blind eyes anymore. And to me, that is sad.
That place was my very first home on the internet. I was understood there, and when I was angry, I could be there. People listened to me, and I felt welcomed. My high school years did not lend itself well to an encouraging, loving atmosphere at home. Rather, it was a battle for my sanity every day. That place kept me sane, and let me be anyone I wanted to be.
After a mere ten minutes lingering around as Anonymous, catching a few familiar usernames here and there and finding an old topic of mine that I know was a plea to cling to my last bit of hope for that realm, I had already begun to feel the weight of stress bearing down on me. That’s how I know I can never return. That’s what tears me up and makes me wish I never had to grow up and face the responsibilities of adulthood. It makes me wish life could be going to school, work a dinky part-time job, do my homework, and spend the rest of my time living out a life that could never exist in reality. Only now can I see that as the true bliss that it was to me…My only escape. My only freedom.
These thoughts literally make me furious because I’m not who I used to be back in high school. I’ve become so rough around the edges, and only certain people can crack open my soft center. I wish I had the time to relive just a little of that, but instead, I’m simply thankful I know someone from that life who knows exactly how I feel. So that I know I’m not crazy…