Never To Return Home

renaiemotionalI just got back from visiting a place on the internet that really stirred up and began much of who I am today. However, that precious place is also a place that I had to abandon the moment I accepted reality for what it was: Difficult, brutal, and unfriendly at times. That “world” I had allowed myself to be sucked into was no longer fitting for me because I couldn’t live in it with blind eyes anymore. And to me, that is sad.

That place was my very first home on the internet. I was understood there, and when I was angry, I could be there. People listened to me, and I felt welcomed. My high school years did not lend itself well to an encouraging, loving atmosphere at home. Rather, it was a battle for my sanity every day. That place kept me sane, and let me be anyone I wanted to be.

After a mere ten minutes lingering around as Anonymous, catching a few familiar usernames here and there and finding an old topic of mine that I know was a plea to cling to my last bit of hope for that realm, I had already begun to feel the weight of stress bearing down on me. That’s how I know I can never return. That’s what tears me up and makes me wish I never had to grow up and face the responsibilities of adulthood. It makes me wish life could be going to school, work a dinky part-time job, do my homework, and spend the rest of my time living out a life that could never exist in reality. Only now can I see that as the true bliss that it was to me…My only escape. My only freedom.

These thoughts literally make me furious because I’m not who I used to be back in high school. I’ve become so rough around the edges, and only certain people can crack open my soft center. I wish I had the time to relive just a little of that, but instead, I’m simply thankful I know someone from that life who knows exactly how I feel. So that I know I’m not crazy…

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2 thoughts on “Never To Return Home

  1. Ooh, a nice exploration of the rift between reality and fantasy, life online and life in the real world. I’ve certainly felt like this before:

    It makes me wish life could be going to school, work a dinky part-time job, do my homework, and spend the rest of my time living out a life that could never exist in reality.

    That always freaked me out a bit, though… that’s just my own hyperrationality kicking in, sadly!

    Best of luck.
    -V

  2. Hyperrationality isn’t a sin. We all need ways to make sense of our lives, no matter how painfully blunt it all may turn out to be. The sad thing is that if a life like that truly existed, I think many of us would be miserable as we would never be free to grow up and truly experience life, sacrificing that for multiple farces of fantasy.

    Thank you for sharing your likened thoughts with me. I hope I won’t need luck to get through this weakness.

    ^^

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