Renai Return :: Take 2

This is pretty fuckin’ funny…How long has it been since I’ve had the need to come around here again. Lots of people must think this place is just another piece of net junk. Sorry to burst your bubble, but I’m not nearly dead just yet. Just…dormant.

During my indefinite absence, I’ve been dealing with life fairly well. Not as plagued by the issues of my own sexuality, and feeling quite satisfied with the work I do and the people I’m around here and there. However, lately, I’ve been stressed. And no one likes stress. Let me divulge some things in the open.

It’ll be just like old times.

I’m still as single as when I left. Who gives a shit anymore though? Seriously. No point in crying over an impossibility when reality fucks you over every time, ne? ^_^

My writing has pretty much slowed down for now, or has been kept away from the net. I normally just keep a paper journal of my goings-on. My affinity with meganekko has not abated in the slightest though. Blogger’s Image Loader just still sucks ass even after over 2 months of me being inactive. Still love them with a passion, even if they don’t love me back.

I’ve been irritated at myself for my lack of exercising like I used to. And on top of that, I have been experiencing some detachment from people I care about. It truly upsets me when people just wander around, pretending as if everything is just as it used to be. People change and things change. However, I’m just dealing with the changes around me, and I don’t think I can handle it anymore. But I will, even if there is no one around to comfort me. And right now, there isn’t.

I constantly wish to go into seclusion. Even now. That’s why I came back here. The irony of it all. I told a friend of mine that I’m progressively reaching a point of where I just want to be away from all humans. Upon me saying this, she started to get up from her seat in the computer lab we were in. I had to flat-out say that I wasn’t being indirect. What the fuck? Can’t you just listen to me without thinking that I’m telling you to get away from me? If I want people away from me, they will definitely know it. People avoid me anyway, so it’s nothing new; I make my get-the-fuck-away aura quite noticable.

There is a girl of my tattered past who now, once again, misses me to the extent of her heart breaking. I should very well be ecstatic that someone misses me, or that I am missed to any extent. However, I’d rather be alone right now. I still talk to her occasionally though. She lives way too far away from me to care very much, and yet I still do. It’s always about some girl with me, but past experiences serve me well…and that makes me fuckin’ sick of these games people think they can play with my emotions. Who gives a fuck if she misses me? I’ve been scared by her in the past already when I went out of my way to visit her. This is quite literally a repeat of two years ago, except I’m at college at the moment of this indirect confession and Winter is coming. I’m not even going to think about it and just keep my guard up all the time. As fickle as humans are, that’s the safest way to go about living, especially when people who caused your past to be scared start telling you they “miss you” and “want you to come back soon.” ::rolls eyes::

I feel a little better now after putting that out. Being honest in a place where anyone who reads expects the real is liberating in a way. Shit…I hope I haven’t become LJ/MySpace-emofied in my time away. To anyone who has made past comments, sorry for not responding. I really don’t know when will be the next time I’ll write an entry here, but I’ll see how things play out for me.

If I die, you’ll know.

Shit, that sounded so emo! I swear my wrists are still intact! ^_^

// ::Meganekko-Tune Now Playing [ Snow Patrol – “Run” ]:: \\

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3 thoughts on “Renai Return :: Take 2

  1. She loves you, she wanted you to know that. I’ve spoken to her, and even with everything else going on and existing in her own personal hell she decided not to ask for my help in anything else… only to tell you that she loves you.

    She doesn’t want you to be torn up about her, she doesn’t want any more hurt to come to you than she has already caused and she doesn’t want forgiveness. Right now she is existing, but she isn’t living. She told me that she thinks about you night and day, but that some day she hopes she won’t have to do that anymore.

    It’s torture, but she can’t do anything to change it. She said that even if she had the chance she wouldn’t go to you, only because being apart again is something she cannot control. Finally, after all the times that she has hurt you she realized what she was doing… that she was not helping you, which was her only wish, but slowly tearing you down.

    She doesn’t want that.

    She prays with all of her heart that you will find peace, and that even if you never forgive her she will always regard you as the first man she loved and the first man to love her.

    She hopes that, through this message finding it’s way to you, she can bring you a tiny bit of the closure that you deserve.

    You were hers, and she let you slip through her fingers.

    She loves you.

  2. So, what about them virtual wrists?

    Just joking.

    Honestly, i think you’re taking things too seriously.
    I’m in a kind of psychedelic mindtrip for the last couple of weeks and well, i hate every moment of it.
    Damn it, i wanna feel joyful, not psychedelic.
    I’m joyful now after ingesting some alcoholic beverage called Vemouth, but the rest of my days are so psychedelic that i could spit in a hippy’s mouth and (s)he’d have a hundred times worse trip than with 100 grams of accid[LSD], not that i ever took a psychedelic drug.
    I don’t hate my life, i love it, but i hate this farking psychedelic state i’m in.

    Bleah.
    But you know, i’m still hooked on meganekko, just like you.
    I really love them.
    Ahhhhhhhhh, meganekko, nearly my number one love(s).
    Are you a meganekko?
    I’d like to know, badly that is.
    If you are, i’d like to fantasize about you, being mysterious, etc. and then when i converse with you, you just dull out like all other meganekko and i’d stil think about you, but you wouldn’t be mysterious anymore.
    A pity that many people deem themselves mysterious and actually are as dull as neutronium and that ordinarily seeming people can be a mystery indeed.
    I love meganekko.
    Deja vu.
    Deja vu.
    Deja vu.
    Deja vu.
    Enough of this pityful joke.

    Anyway, have fun.

    Oh, please check out http://bars.rug.nl/download/2ab421d56fab13a5
    It’s a trance track of mine in progress, i hope you like it.
    Bye.

  3. yeah that was emo. I started a paper journal too, primarily because i started going through some things that were extremely personal and I couldn’t have people looking at them. Eventually I stopped that because I was so slow in writing and I started writing too much filler–whereas in a blog you can edit your sentences pretty much in any way you want.

    so i came back to the blog slowly, if there was something immediate i had to say.

    i don’t know if that’s constructive at all, heh.

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