Ren’Ai :: Faulty Reflection

meganeko41Work ethic has seriously left the building.

More and more often do thoughts of running away to a different country keep me awake at night. A place where I could start over; instill a totally different identity from the one I have around here. That would involve leaving my few best friends – my cute megane-ko friend, and the guy that I, for some outlandish reason, wanted to wake up next to this morning. He had stayed over at my apartment, but that’s nothing new. We just watch anime and discuss…I just want to be me…and I struggle with that even around him.

Why does every time I need to get shit done, it’s during a time when someone or something is causing an imbalance in my emotional state? My sweetheart has once again disappeared on me…and during the worse possible time – a span of time that I had hoped I could finally have the opportunity to spend with her during the holiday. So much for that shit. She can’t even give me a phone call when I’m worried sick about her…

I was about two seconds away from joining a Ragnarok Online server…but then I realized how utterly stupid that would be. All I do is write and screw around with Photoshop. Last thing I need right now is to get sucked into another fantasy world, and wind up leaving it two weeks later because I’m only nursing the emptiness…

Dammit! This is turning into an emo rant! Fuck! Um…um…I got nothing…at least nothing that can be expressed in the necessary jargon I want to use…

I look into the mirror and all I see is a confused face; something that doesn’t seem to belong there. I want to escape that countenance. I require a level of expression that my own psyche absolutely cringes to seek out. Freedom…I know that could never be accepted unless I started over in Europe or something. I need answers to the questions that plague my soul, for in my soul is the impeccable truth. In my soul lies the ugliness that society would spit at. In my soul, there is an indecisive wave – a tumult that hardly merits one to lend an ear to such foolishness spouted from my mouth. Why is a “truth” that clashes against the logic of my being. If it’s the “truth,” then what is the source of fear? Of course…it is the life I had lived thus far; without choice, without fail, devoid of any compromise. I am different…and that is a truth that even I can’t seem to fathom: Making love to a female…as a female…because that is the truth in my heart…

I don’t belong here. I don’t belong as I am.

The “necessary jargon” emerged…I think. Don’t ask me how.

// ::Meganekko-Tune Now Playing [ BACK-ON – CHAIN – “Believer” ]:: \\


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