So yeah. I’m not dead. Surprised? Don’t bother. Not like I know how long this will last anyway.
Only reason why I’m blogging anyway is because I seem to have reverted back to my original reason for creating this space: to share my sexual confusions, struggles, opinions, and the like, through an anonymous voice that, to this day, only one person knows who I really am. I’m confident that it will stay that way, even though we haven’t chatted since my tenure there ended.
Anyway, what happened to me? Basically, after returning home, I went into hiding. Why am I coming out of hiding? I once again am slamming my head against the wall, unable to properly decipher I am having the feelings I am having all over again. This is not to say that they went away, but rather, I had them in check. I blame the shitty weather that’s been around for the past six days…kidding. So, as a warning to anyone who may happen upon me, turn back now if you don’t know what to expect. Or just keep reading and don’t give a shit what I say. Either is fine by me.
I awoke at 4:30AM from having three consecutive dreams. Only one is worth mentioning. How ever severely fucked up my mind is already, dreaming about being sexually patronized by unknown & actual guys that I know was completely unexpected. They were all trying to see if their actions could get me to let them fuck me. Seriously. This didn’t even add up to me. “Why in the world would these guys I have had 0 feelings for be trying to have sex with me, and pretty much ganging up on me to do it,” I wondered in my dream. They were being forceful and trying to be all disgustingly romantic, but I resisted them all; I’m not that kind of person to give it up to anyone, especially some guy. And then, all the guys move away from me, like a parting sea, and this one average guy with short, brownish hair – he might have been asian – starts speaking in poet’s language to me. This includes Old English, since I like proper speech. His choice of words was comparable to something you would hear from Lord of the Rings. Nevertheless, as soon as he finished, he still tried to rape me, thinking that I would be mush in his hands.
Right. In his dreams. It didn’t happen.
Lying awake on my blanket, I didn’t know what to make of it. I’m still a virgin, so it’s not related to that. What bothered me was the fact that they were all guys. I am attracted to females, and choice males. I’m the sort of person who could care less how many muscles some wannabe bodybuilder has. I’m tired of having to act a certain way to appease fuckin’ society, which is most of the reason why I went into hiding. Being in this body and growing up like I have has forced me to know the walk and the talk, and do it unconsciously. Only when I am around my few best friends am I able to openly share my feelings, and maybe even flirt playfully. Even still, I remain trapped in this box because I’m so damn accustomed to this act that now that I am conscious of my emotions and my tastes, I am regarded a heathen for stepping over unnatural boundaries. Seriously, my father, that I am just now starting to visit more often, doesn’t even catch on to this emotional block that I can’t help but succumb to. My friends and I are the only ones who know of these mixed signals, though even they hardly know of how much sleep I am losing over this.
In essence, I’m just scared of the outcome…
This is why I LOVE the premise and characters of Angel Sanctuary. Can’t wait to read more of it. Bye now.
// ::Meganekko-Tune Now Playing [ ]:: \\