Ren’Ai :: Mixed Signals

meganeko40So yeah. I’m not dead. Surprised? Don’t bother. Not like I know how long this will last anyway.

Only reason why I’m blogging anyway is because I seem to have reverted back to my original reason for creating this space: to share my sexual confusions, struggles, opinions, and the like, through an anonymous voice that, to this day, only one person knows who I really am. I’m confident that it will stay that way, even though we haven’t chatted since my tenure there ended.

Anyway, what happened to me? Basically, after returning home, I went into hiding. Why am I coming out of hiding? I once again am slamming my head against the wall, unable to properly decipher I am having the feelings I am having all over again. This is not to say that they went away, but rather, I had them in check. I blame the shitty weather that’s been around for the past six days…kidding. So, as a warning to anyone who may happen upon me, turn back now if you don’t know what to expect. Or just keep reading and don’t give a shit what I say. Either is fine by me.

I awoke at 4:30AM from having three consecutive dreams. Only one is worth mentioning. How ever severely fucked up my mind is already, dreaming about being sexually patronized by unknown & actual guys that I know was completely unexpected. They were all trying to see if their actions could get me to let them fuck me. Seriously. This didn’t even add up to me. “Why in the world would these guys I have had 0 feelings for be trying to have sex with me, and pretty much ganging up on me to do it,” I wondered in my dream. They were being forceful and trying to be all disgustingly romantic, but I resisted them all; I’m not that kind of person to give it up to anyone, especially some guy. And then, all the guys move away from me, like a parting sea, and this one average guy with short, brownish hair – he might have been asian – starts speaking in poet’s language to me. This includes Old English, since I like proper speech. His choice of words was comparable to something you would hear from Lord of the Rings. Nevertheless, as soon as he finished, he still tried to rape me, thinking that I would be mush in his hands.

Right. In his dreams. It didn’t happen.

Lying awake on my blanket, I didn’t know what to make of it. I’m still a virgin, so it’s not related to that. What bothered me was the fact that they were all guys. I am attracted to females, and choice males. I’m the sort of person who could care less how many muscles some wannabe bodybuilder has. I’m tired of having to act a certain way to appease fuckin’ society, which is most of the reason why I went into hiding. Being in this body and growing up like I have has forced me to know the walk and the talk, and do it unconsciously. Only when I am around my few best friends am I able to openly share my feelings, and maybe even flirt playfully. Even still, I remain trapped in this box because I’m so damn accustomed to this act that now that I am conscious of my emotions and my tastes, I am regarded a heathen for stepping over unnatural boundaries. Seriously, my father, that I am just now starting to visit more often, doesn’t even catch on to this emotional block that I can’t help but succumb to. My friends and I are the only ones who know of these mixed signals, though even they hardly know of how much sleep I am losing over this.

In essence, I’m just scared of the outcome…

This is why I LOVE the premise and characters of Angel Sanctuary. Can’t wait to read more of it. Bye now.

// ::Meganekko-Tune Now Playing [ ]:: \\

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3 thoughts on “Ren’Ai :: Mixed Signals

  1. Thanks for your reply. I really like what you said about starting an anonymous blog. I’ve wanted to do that for the longest time – but I’m always saying ‘but’…about not having time, about not knowing what to write.

    It’s a great idea though and I will consider starting an anonymous blog (probably one that is private).

    I’m glad to have you back.

  2. I’m glad that my reply did some good, even after so long. Now I don’t regret bothering to do so, as much ^_^ Consider it, and make the choice that fits you best.

    Thank you for extending gladness of having me “back.” I can only wait and see if I have a reason to remain as such.

  3. You’re back, that’s good.

    I’m so sorry for you that you struggle so with your sexuality, your place in society and having to hide your real self.
    I’ve had the same, struggling without ever finding a real girlfriend, taking some false comfort in fooling around with two women, one of which is still a really good friend, trying to find my place in society, trying to be squre in round land and then learning to be round in appearance, but more square in behaviour.

    Some people are stupid and comment on my preference for meganekko as if i’m only looking at the superficial appearance, while they are even more superficial in their choices.
    I absolutely adore meganekko who consciously wear their glasses and especially those that think themselves as more beautiful with glasses, of course i’m also more into nerd meganekko than others, there’s just something charmful about them.
    Yes, i have a real preference for meganekko over normal women and while i do look at breasts too, i look at a woman’s face first to see what’s inside her, the eyes are indeed windows to a person’s soul.

    The dream could mean several things, it might be your sub-conscious warning you to even watch out for the actual guys, as most guys are ofeten more interested in a fuck than a talk, i also have those urges from time to time.
    Or you may be subconsciously afraid to have sex.
    I dunno, but i’ll give you a tip: Keep an eye out for advances of guys, especially those you don’t like.

    Unrelated to the dream, maybe you shouldn’t worry about sexuality and relations now and concentrate more on your education, so in the future you’ll have a good job and can worry about these fickle things then.
    I with my 29 years of age only know that now isn’t the time yet for me to think about relations.

    Oh yeah, my hair’s short again along with my beard, what a relief, finally i can roam the streets without being laughed at in the face by random strangers, often pairs where the woman initiates it, bitches they are.

    Time for a rant-fest against most women and men.
    Many women are emotional, manipulative, coldhearted bitches, at least that’s how i experience things.
    Many men are stupid, egotistic, uber-competetive, cocky, macho assholes.
    Many people just about disgust me with their sheer moronity.
    I hate this damn society where a nice face is in many cases worth more than a good character.
    On the other hand i know that the bastards in this society congregate and make aech other’s lives miserable, but i wish that they didn’t involve other people, those assholes.

    Anyway, time to go, bye.

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