Midterms are finally over, and I couldn’t be happier about that. No, midterms were not going on for the past…what…3 weeks or something. I just have been overly applying myself and generally had nothing worthwhile to blog about. I wish I could say I had something absolutely mindblowing to share, but I don’t. So, I’ll just blog for the sake of doing so.
Over these hectic weeks, I’ve been in and out of certain doorways that I wish I had not entered in the first place. Having “friendly” relations with a new friend of mine (yes, she is a megane-ko) has been a prevalent action of mine that I don’t regret, yet I do. We’ve only messed around a little, since I used to like her back in the beginning of last semester, but it hasn’t gone any farther than deep kissing, overnight stays, cuddling, and a bit of “heavy petting.” All clothed…for the most part anyway. I walk away from these countless awkward, sometimes surreal, experiences still a virgin with a slightly unscrewed head. That’s only because I stopped liking her about a month and a half after I got to know her better last semester, discovered a new side of her this semester that caused me to second-guess last semester’s firm choice, and then reaffirmed my feelings of only having her as a friend during early February. Even still, I was comforted by her warmth in my bed even up until this week.
I really do hate myself…
As Spring Break is right around the corner for me, I realize, with the vast uncertainty of my hopeful future ahead of me, that this needs to end…now. Having restrained my natural sexual tendency to alleviate pent up stress for the past month, I indulged myself right before starting this entry. My elaborate plan to clear my head and to finalize my need to distance the level of intimacy with a girl that is not only far from being a woman, but someone I could never love, succeeded. Not to mention, after slave-driving myself for nearly a month, devoid of any emotional release through blogging or self-gratification, I was about to scream from the culminated emotional/psychological stress of being done with midterms and the anticipation of returning back home to my best friends.
In a way, I was probably just trying to escape the loss of my “sweetheart” that I once had. Recurring thoughts of things she liked and said have been bothering me lately. Probably because of the promise I made to myself if she did not return any of my e-mails by the end of March. As someone with the capacity to love so fearlessly, yet shut down everyone around me in the time it takes for lightning to tear through a tree, I cannot afford to deal with people who will never understand me enough to truly love me, and I them. I have been through a multitude of endings in such a short span, but there is nothing I can do about that, other than to move forward and slice through the battlefield; swift, ruthless as Hitokiri Battousai‘s blade.
That is how this world is. That is how I have come to accept the many people within it. Not everyone deserves to be extinguished, but it’s time I simply give up on the need to love someone deeply and simply live. Too much chaos, hatred, confusion, and distraction comes from trying to love someone…let alone having someone want to love you, while you can only lay down, inhale, succumb to that fatalistic moment of succinct touch, exhale…then drive a cold blade through their heart.
“Sorry…I must end this before it is too late for either of us.” :: hangs up phone ::
// ::Meganekko-Tune Now Playing [ I’VE – AIR OST – “Esoragoto” ]:: \\