Ren’Ai :: Endings

Megumi KuroganeMidterms are finally over, and I couldn’t be happier about that. No, midterms were not going on for the past…what…3 weeks or something. I just have been overly applying myself and generally had nothing worthwhile to blog about. I wish I could say I had something absolutely mindblowing to share, but I don’t. So, I’ll just blog for the sake of doing so.

Over these hectic weeks, I’ve been in and out of certain doorways that I wish I had not entered in the first place. Having “friendly” relations with a new friend of mine (yes, she is a megane-ko) has been a prevalent action of mine that I don’t regret, yet I do. We’ve only messed around a little, since I used to like her back in the beginning of last semester, but it hasn’t gone any farther than deep kissing, overnight stays, cuddling, and a bit of “heavy petting.” All clothed…for the most part anyway. I walk away from these countless awkward, sometimes surreal, experiences still a virgin with a slightly unscrewed head. That’s only because I stopped liking her about a month and a half after I got to know her better last semester, discovered a new side of her this semester that caused me to second-guess last semester’s firm choice, and then reaffirmed my feelings of only having her as a friend during early February. Even still, I was comforted by her warmth in my bed even up until this week.

I really do hate myself…

As Spring Break is right around the corner for me, I realize, with the vast uncertainty of my hopeful future ahead of me, that this needs to end…now. Having restrained my natural sexual tendency to alleviate pent up stress for the past month, I indulged myself right before starting this entry. My elaborate plan to clear my head and to finalize my need to distance the level of intimacy with a girl that is not only far from being a woman, but someone I could never love, succeeded. Not to mention, after slave-driving myself for nearly a month, devoid of any emotional release through blogging or self-gratification, I was about to scream from the culminated emotional/psychological stress of being done with midterms and the anticipation of returning back home to my best friends.

In a way, I was probably just trying to escape the loss of my “sweetheart” that I once had. Recurring thoughts of things she liked and said have been bothering me lately. Probably because of the promise I made to myself if she did not return any of my e-mails by the end of March. As someone with the capacity to love so fearlessly, yet shut down everyone around me in the time it takes for lightning to tear through a tree, I cannot afford to deal with people who will never understand me enough to truly love me, and I them. I have been through a multitude of endings in such a short span, but there is nothing I can do about that, other than to move forward and slice through the battlefield; swift, ruthless as Hitokiri Battousai‘s blade.

That is how this world is. That is how I have come to accept the many people within it. Not everyone deserves to be extinguished, but it’s time I simply give up on the need to love someone deeply and simply live. Too much chaos, hatred, confusion, and distraction comes from trying to love someone…let alone having someone want to love you, while you can only lay down, inhale, succumb to that fatalistic moment of succinct touch, exhale…then drive a cold blade through their heart.

“Sorry…I must end this before it is too late for either of us.” :: hangs up phone ::

// ::Meganekko-Tune Now Playing [ I’VE – AIR OST – “Esoragoto” ]:: \\

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7 thoughts on “Ren’Ai :: Endings

  1. You finally blogged! That’s great.

    Who said that mindblowing posts make a good blog? I think you sharing what’s been going through your head, mindblowing or not, is great enough.

    Do tell me what you think about the poem I wrote. I don’t write the best poems (see my Fictionpress page on the links) since I don’t invest a lot of time writing them.

    Not that I want that poem in my favor – but I do think the last line’s anticlimax is necessary. That’s the reason I separated it from the rest of the poem. In fact, it would make sense if that sentence wasn’t a part of the poem at all, if you think about it.
    There’s a reason for that, which may be a little obvious to some.

    But thanks though. Have a great spring break!

  2. You have a poetic choice of words and yes, it’s kind of nice.
    But what you poetically and elaborately describe is oh so remensicent of what happened when i was 20/21 years old(i’m a 28 year old sarcastical and pessimistic physicist now).
    Yeah, being in love, kissing, clothed fondling and then being dumped.
    Afterwards i realized she used me as a toy to avoid her feelings of lonelyness and brokenness.
    Take it from me, in a few years you’ll look back and think “Man, what was i so naive and full of daydreams, why’d i let her come so close anyway?” and then you’ll remember that big crush and wonder why that feeling is n’t coming back now.
    Then you realise that being happy is more than just a fulfilled crush or the unriddling of all secrets or the romantification of things, but more like the contentness with a life you fully live.

    I personally don’t like pondering about vague feelings anymore, unlike in the past when every little emotion had to be pondered upon and every little thought was worth more than all the treasures in the world and that it was a priority one to explore new thoughts and feelings to push further the boundaries of one’s and the worlds intellectuality.
    And i seriously believed then that thinking and having such high thoughts gave one an elite status amongst everyone else.

    Now i think otherwise.
    Thinking is good, but overthinking stuff makes one boastful and elitistic.

    Just giving some guidance.
    You’ll eventually learn it yourself.

  3. Daniel: Yes, it’s been a while, I know. I’m very thankful that you and barachem check back here once in a while.

    The following run-on paragraph is what I fully took away from your poem, “mirrors.”

    As for your poem, the speaker’s choice of words to exact his dissatisfaction with what I would assume to be their physical form is lovely. The push-and-pull between physical/emotional/psychological needs and expectations is played well throughout. The other theme of loss of faith in oneself gives another facet of perception that gives the speaker depth, realism, and invokes the pain of the speaker succinctly. I particularly like the irony placed with the “beauteous wall – that has become his altar…his god.” Those are probably my favorite lines in the entire poem. There was one line that I did feel was pushing the “surrealism” of the entire poem a bit. “Drowned in mystic fate.” Didn’t understand what made the speaker’s fate so mystic; like it was thrown in there for extra effect. The poem is certainly free-form, which I can’t say much about other than the rhythm of the poem moves and doesn’t stagnate, in my opinion. The usage of punctuation sometimes, did trip me up while reading, however. For the sake of consistency and for the reader to know when they are supposed to stop to take in the line or breathe, I would recommend proper punctuation markings throughout the poem so mistaken run-ons don’t occur. I do understand what you mean by separating the final line from the entire poem. After rereading it, the poignancy of that line struck me the way it was supposed to. I’m usually very slow on catching aspects of poetry like that and figure that every line is linked to the other for some reason or another. I do like it now that I understand it.

    Barachem: Once again, it’s comforting to know that you can relate to me. I must say that your experience is much different from what I depicted. You were in love. I was and am not. In my past, I also pondered every emotion that tickled my psyche, but over the years, I have controlled what I focus on and what I don’t. This particular instance was just…frustrating to deal with, knowing her reaction to my honesty would cause a severe emotional response I did not want to deal with. I was at fault as well, which is why I comprehend your advice, and feel that I have known your advice for some time – others have benefitted from my cold, hard advice.

    For the record though, my predicted response was correct. I did not cave into her inability to properly explain herself. Though, in the end, I do not mind lying in the same bed with her, as long as she does not try to kiss me or touch me where she has no right to touch me. Pheremones are a horrible twist to this process though…for the first time, she knows we are just friends. I now feel liberated – away on break, never to see her through the following week – and free to properly live.

    Such is my luke-warm heart, and my stoic manner of logic.

  4. If you don’t love her, why did you do get intimate with her then?

    What’s the situation with you two now?

    Honesty is a hard thing sometimes and it isn’t always appropriate to bluntly blurt out every thought and feeling, but honesty to one self and also others helps a lot in life.

    I don’t have a girlfriend and until the time is ripe i don’t want one either.
    I don’t have the money nor am i ready yet for that.
    And do realise that i’m not in my early 20s but that i’m 28 years old.
    If you don’t love a girl it’s very cold, unloving and not fair of you to fondle with a girl who loves you and thinks you love her too.
    If she doesn’t love you either but likes to fondle nonewithstanding, do whatever you want.
    As a christian i wouldn’t want to fondle or do more with anyone but my wife when i’m married, but i’m just stating that and not telling you to do the same, but i only suggest that i find it better for you if you did the same.
    But whatever, enough dawdling and speculating.

    See ya!

  5. Answering your question (again, somewhat), I made a mistake in my judgment in what I did and trusting her like I did. I was not intimate with her, but rather we were doing things that would be categorized as intimacy; every moment with her, I saw her as only my friend and nothing more. I do not wish for anyone to follow that method, but as someone who really has not experienced anything like that, I couldn’t help but experiment a little. She already knew that I did not love her that way. Many times I was the bigger person and respecified what we were doing – experimenting – and who I was to her – a friend. Honestly, I had always preferred saving that for someone I love or marriage. In other words, your advice about doing things without love behind it is something I already knew before I did it. I mean no offense, barachem, as I know you are only sharing advice, but though you are older, I am not an untrained child.

    As previously stated, our nail of friendship has been reinforced, without the sexual overtones.

  6. Alrighty then, that’s good to hear.

    On the knowledge, insight and wisdom part, i must say that you appear a bit too serious to me in these matters.
    I can only say this, cheer up, lad, all that serious thinking can’t be helpful.

    What i’m trying to convey is that i’ve had this serious attitude in my younger years and i’ve found that a relaxed attitude in life helps a lot, though sometimes i find myself too relaxed.
    But whatever, enjoy more, do more fun stuff with your friends.
    There’s enough time time to be serious and also have fun.

    Anyway, see ya.

  7. You make a great critic for poems. Yes, it’s completely true; I am a sucker at punctuation. Run-on lines are a constant problem when I write. As for the word ‘mystic’, I think I had the utterance to explain the reason for puttin that in the poem, expecting people to notice that it was a little beyond the fashion of the poem.

    But I can’t explain it now. I think that I put that in there because I was thinking of the fate of the speaker shrouding him in a fog, and the word ‘mist’ came to mind. I think I just wanted it to sound pretty by adding a different form of the homonym of ‘mist’ – ‘mystic’, which is actually quite redundant.

    Did you read this post (shown below)? I’m really proud of it and I just want to know what you think about it.

    http://woozy-mizzenmast.blogspot.com/2006/03/i-take-it-all-to-live-free.html

    It’d be sufficient to just read the bottom portion in magenta.

    It’s great you caught up on your sleep this spring break! Will post aobut mine soon.

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