Ren’Ai :: Touch & Feel

“It’s that sense of touch that we’ve all seemed to have lost. We want it so much, that we crash into each other just so we can feel something… – from the independent flim, “CRASH

meganeko26I realized yesterday how much I long for that sense of touch, but at the same time, am greatly unaccustomed and adverse to. I will tear myself away from everyone for hours at at time just so I can be alone. At times, it is desperately necessary, as I can only stand being surrounded by people for so long. On the other side of the spectrum, I want to cry my eyes out just because a person that I would trust to hold me cannot be there, and hasn’t been there. With me, there are very few people that are permitted to touch me. Lately, I…have only been “ravaged” emotionally, not smiling, angered by people’s actions around me, and no one around that I can confide in.

A complete stranger – a woman who gave me my first physical in years – touched me yesterday. Her fingers pressed against my neck as she checked my glands or something. I realized how much I want to be touched there…kissed there. There is no way it was a pleasurable intention, but I had to silence myself in order to remember that this was an examination. I blushed. I was uncomfortable. It was only for a time, but in the same breath, I did not want her hands there. The same applied to when she asked me to pull up my shirt a little so she could check my breathing and heart rate. That frigid stethescope settled on my chest, coupled with her arm up my shirt just irritated me. I blushed again. “Fuck,” I thought. I despised the fact that I have been so deprived of honest affection as a child & teen so much that I would have these sensations only because I long for that sense of touch. She spared me the pressure of her fingertips upon my stomach as she checked for proper bowel activity; my t-shirt acting as a barrier between my warmth and her frostbitten hands, slowly losing their pinkish hue.

This experience has caused me to believe that one of the reasons why I am still sane today is because I still had those people that were close enough to me to offer emotional touch to my soul. Never dated anyone for very long either, so whatever…I couldn’t be more thankful that I am one of those really healthy individuals who never get sick; only occasionally injured, not quite ever meriting a hospital visit. Even if it did, I would fight it. I wouldn’t have a stranger touching me if I could bear the pain on my own.

If you have not, watch the movie from which my quote stems from. You will not be disappointed. Rather, you could surely be touched as I was.

// ::Meganekko-Tune Now Playing [ Midicronica – “Pillow Jam” ]:: \\


3 thoughts on “Ren’Ai :: Touch & Feel

  1. I’m glad you enjoyed Ashton’s blog entry on queues the same as I did.

    I guess I can relate to you having such thoughts, though my experience is somewhat different. I don’t enjoy what happens during a physical, especially after the cold hands of the nurse startle you at first.

    I think she was checking your thyroid glands – those have really important functions. But anyway, it’s quite awkward for me to bring that up now – that isn’t the point!

    Though I guess many others probably can relate to you wanting that sensation (but probably not because they were earlier deprived of affection), I would have written it in an entirely different way. That just sorta means, I respect the way you want to document your feelings and your life, but I wouldn’t do it that way.

    And that is a really good megane-ko picture (the one for this post).

  2. ^^ I’m glad you liked my choice of image for this entry. I always kinda wonder if people see the correlation between the image and the entry…or just like the image in general.

    I’m not surprised that you would express your feelings on this matter in a different way. Though we read and supports each other’s blogs, we have different ways of expressing our thoughts. That’s perfectly fine though. This entry sort of turned slightly poetic as I was composing it, but they were my honest thoughts, you know?

    Yay for a relation to the experience of receiving physicals. They suck ass. As always, thanks for commenting, Daniel! ^^ I appreciate it much.

  3. What connection between the picture and the entry?
    Honestly, i have trouble connecting both.

    On the other hand, it seems as if my subdued feelings play a part of that.
    It frustrates me that i have subdued feelings for quite much part of my time for nearly a year now, but even that frustration is subdued. 8| –> 8D –> 8?
    Anyway, i’m emotionally lately, so the subdued feelings are melting into good normal feelings again, FUCK YEAH! 8[>

    You’re not the only one with a troubled past, so welcome to the club. 😉

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