“It’s that sense of touch that we’ve all seemed to have lost. We want it so much, that we crash into each other just so we can feel something… – from the independent flim, “CRASH“
I realized yesterday how much I long for that sense of touch, but at the same time, am greatly unaccustomed and adverse to. I will tear myself away from everyone for hours at at time just so I can be alone. At times, it is desperately necessary, as I can only stand being surrounded by people for so long. On the other side of the spectrum, I want to cry my eyes out just because a person that I would trust to hold me cannot be there, and hasn’t been there. With me, there are very few people that are permitted to touch me. Lately, I…have only been “ravaged” emotionally, not smiling, angered by people’s actions around me, and no one around that I can confide in.
A complete stranger – a woman who gave me my first physical in years – touched me yesterday. Her fingers pressed against my neck as she checked my glands or something. I realized how much I want to be touched there…kissed there. There is no way it was a pleasurable intention, but I had to silence myself in order to remember that this was an examination. I blushed. I was uncomfortable. It was only for a time, but in the same breath, I did not want her hands there. The same applied to when she asked me to pull up my shirt a little so she could check my breathing and heart rate. That frigid stethescope settled on my chest, coupled with her arm up my shirt just irritated me. I blushed again. “Fuck,” I thought. I despised the fact that I have been so deprived of honest affection as a child & teen so much that I would have these sensations only because I long for that sense of touch. She spared me the pressure of her fingertips upon my stomach as she checked for proper bowel activity; my t-shirt acting as a barrier between my warmth and her frostbitten hands, slowly losing their pinkish hue.
This experience has caused me to believe that one of the reasons why I am still sane today is because I still had those people that were close enough to me to offer emotional touch to my soul. Never dated anyone for very long either, so whatever…I couldn’t be more thankful that I am one of those really healthy individuals who never get sick; only occasionally injured, not quite ever meriting a hospital visit. Even if it did, I would fight it. I wouldn’t have a stranger touching me if I could bear the pain on my own.
If you have not, watch the movie from which my quote stems from. You will not be disappointed. Rather, you could surely be touched as I was.
// ::Meganekko-Tune Now Playing [ Midicronica – “Pillow Jam” ]:: \\