Ren’Ai :: Revising the Voice

**NOTE: This is a Sexuality-based entry & will contain mature content. I’m not held responsible for the influence or conceptualization that anyone makes of this, as this is my domain, & I’ve long since made it clear the content I blog about.**


My mother asked me what was Wrong with me.
I could not hide my pain, but I Said nothing.
That was surely not the right Question at all.
My mother asked me why are You looking that way.
I could conceal my introverted Thoughts because
That was not the right question.
My mother asked me was there Something Bothering me.
I could not destroy my Heartache, so I told a half-truth.
That was almost the right question,
But I could never tell her that… – Ren’Ai

What was the half-truth? I’m worried about returning back to college. I always do, so it was very easy to spit out that answer to get her away from me. However, that obviously was not what was bothering me this morning.

The weight of society’s expectations now press down upon me and have been doing so since last night. I suppose it is a good thing that I have taken up a pasttime of mine – text roleplaying – in Megatokyo Forums as a .Hack Player, but even then, just having to live as not fully myself in this claustrophobic society is enough to have me keep away from such things. I would think that the fantasy of one of my most favorite anime concepts would draw me in deeper, but no. I keep my distance from it, and everyone else, sitting…thinking…wondering if what the voice in my soul is telling me is the right thing. The sweet, energetic voice – possibly voices – of my soul spoke to me again last night…emploring me to stop playing a role that isn’t mine; to break the chains of what society DEMANDS me to be, and let that voice in me roam free. Dare I share our “verbal” exchange…?

Why not? I am Ren’Ai, the no-holds-barred, brusque, & risque megane-ko blogger. Who gives a fuck if anyone thinks I need a psychiatrist…Who gives a shit if you think I’m making this up…

[Voice]: “Don’t you think your guy friend is kinda cute?”
[Ren’Ai]: “Here and there…why?”
[Voice]: “Why don’t you try to get close to him…? I know you’ve imagined giving him a blowjob before.”
[Ren’Ai]: “I have…and thanks to you, I’m doing it again…but no. I’m not like that…”
[Voice]: “You just want to be affectionate with him. You like spending time with him, ne?”
[Ren’Ai]: “Yes, but…no. He’s not like that. I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
[Voice]: “He knows who you are, inside. You’re me. So why does it matter who you are affectionate with and who you prefer?”
[Ren’Ai]: “…”
[Voice]: “Why do you keep allowing society to dictate who you are? Haven’t you changed? Haven’t you awakened to the possible truth? Don’t you see what your ‘role’ very well may be? Don’t you find yourself disgusted with being judged just by the way you look. You’re even judged by the way you act. You are kept captive…and the only people who know a good bit of who you are are your cute megane-ko friend you hug on every chance you get, and your guy friend that with an understanding attitude, jokes with you about your ‘role.’ “
[Ren’Ai]: “It’s…not fair…”
[Voice]: “No. It isn’t.”

I awoke with similar thoughts of my sexuality…thoughts that I could never share with my mother or father, not that my father is around to have them shared with. Everyone is supposed to be one and not the other. I’m already one way – I am attracted to megane-ko. [For me], to be anything else is a lie, and we have enough dishonest individuals in our society already. I was supposed to be going somewhere with my guy friend this morning, but he still hasn’t called me up. Most likely still asleep. I wish he would have been on time so I didn’t have to deal with my mother actually catching my demeanor that I easily feign effortlessly.

This time though…it was just too much. Not enough tug on my heart to cry either. And waking up with it…just made it more difficult to be that fucking part that I usually play around everyone. I suppose that’s a good thing though…even if no one knows my soul other than my two best friends.

Don’t try to figure it out either. I’m enough of an enigma to everyone else, so I’d rather stay as such.


6 thoughts on “Ren’Ai :: Revising the Voice

  1. I duno who you are and you don’t know me…I’m not even sure how I ended up on your page but I was caught by such an artistic writing style I kept reading…

    Even though you say not to try and figure it out…I gotta say I kind of feel that same way from what I have read…

    I personally use excuses all the time in relationships…I over exadgerate and I lie about things I’ve never done…with the one girl I actually did like, I got afraid and made up a lame excuse about my mom and how I don’t want to become like her (She’s had at least 7 husbands…countless afairs…I don’t even know what else to list…) but I end up becomming her day after day…with each relationship or even friendship, it keeps pulling me in this self fulfilling prophecy that I’ve created myself…

    As far as society goes…every day I wish for a job that gets me out of the country…everyday I get closer to finishing college and finishing my ESL on the side, I hope for anything…it’s the only way to get through all the crap around now…

    I recently saw Syriana and it had an interesting quote…

    “Corruption charges. Corruption? Corruption ain’t nothing more than government intrusion into market efficiencies in the form of regulation. That’s Milton Friedman. He’s got a god-damn Nobel Prize. We have laws against is precisely so we can get away with it. Corruption is our protection! Corruption is what keeps us safe and warm. Corruption is why you and I are here in the white-hot center of things instead of fighting each other for scraps of meat out there in the streets. Corruption is how we win.”

    Ok well I’ve ranted enough…I’m not really sure why I have either…but I hope you can take something from it…

  2. Thank you for your sweet comment in regards to my writing style. It is comforting to know that it does have an appeal to those who just happen upon my blog arbitrarily.

    I think I understand what you were trying to say, though I believe that what you described was more of an interpersonal conflict that involved you not becoming as your mother was. I’ve never studied psychology, so if you happen to read this, please understand that. What I was describing was something of an “identity crisis” that runs deeper than not being as someone else, but rather letting go of what society has forced me to be all these years, and allow myself to explore what I have been, more or less, subconsciously supressing. You said that you use excuses all the time in relationships and want to leave the country, yes? Your motives seem to be of escape, which I relate to in the manner I described above.

    That was a very interesting quote about corruption that you gave. I can agree with that, as you can never escape corruption. You can be safe in the midst of it because everyone is corrupt in some way. What is upsetting is that sometimes, someone’s view of corruption can be another one’s view of freedom from what binds them to societial norms.

    I didn’t mind the ranting. We all need to sometimes, even if it is within the bounds that I don’t know you & you don’t know me. Nevertheless, thank you for leaving an honest, like-minded comment.

  3. I realize that the thing that draws people to blogs is (besides sensorily-invigorating pictures) feelings that the reader can relate to.

    As a guy, I think we have this certain amount of ego that we harbor in us that prevents us from being more personal that we would allow ourselves to be.

    That would tell you two things:
    Firstly this implies that I, no matter how compelling/smart you think my blog to be, would not include such explicit detail in my blog about having these feelings the conservative part of society would deem taboo.

    So I applaud you for being that daring to put such things in a blog.

    Secondly, that could also mean your guy friend is just fronting. There’s a chance for anything to happen. But then again, don’t be naive (which I don’t believe you to be anyway) and consider this as sage advice. I’ve never been in any formal relationship before. What would I know?

    You know your friend better. You know, or can tell, at the very least, whether he really is interested in you or not.

    I personally wouldn’t go in a relationship yet since I don’t have the commitment for it, and besides I don’t believe in relationships that work before 20.

    But you seem to be in a lot of emotional pain. Perhaps the only remedy is your gratification instead of so-called ‘prevention’ – whatever i’m saying.

    I liked outinthedark’s quote, though. You sure get your share of interesting readers.

    Take care now.

    PS. the video you saw from the link on my blog wasn’t from my class. MY class is 4.2…I’m just saying this because when you said “Looks like you’re the only one who grew up huh” it seemed to imply that you thought I was in that class. Yeah. Just so you know =)

  4. I’ve always had a hard time with “labeling” of people…what I was trying to say is how like society already has placed me in this group of frustrated teens because my mother was a slut…like I was torn apart as a child because of deivorce…or maybe thats what I think society does and like you said all interpersonal…

    When I did go to school I always felt like an outcast like I never belonged to the point where I ran away from my “higher education” school to go back to “normal school” after that I was homeschooled the rest of my life and I’ve felt like I grew up wrong…like I missed the “how to be an asshole” training in public school…(not to generealize). Those doubts and fears or confusion I duno the right word…but whatever it is that holds me back from actually attaching to someone to anyone including family and friends, I think brought about when I was a child and had to go to court for a custody battle and my mom didn’t show up…funny as she was the one trying for custody…I’m not sure it is…but I am sure those shrink years will never be erased from my memory…one thing I will never do if I have a kid is send them to a shrink…I mean if I don’t have the trust in my kids someday and I have to pay someone else to get the information out of them…I think I would have lost touch with my kids…(someday of course…!)

    But yea keep with the writing…it helps me not worry about my life…wonder about others…and glad you liked the quote both of you…I thought it was interesting in the movie since it was about the war in iraq and the whole oil business…but the statement was a shot to all goverment and business coruption…society is what the media makes it…

  5. Daniel:

    I like the pictures I find too ^^ but you’re right that my content has always been aimed at an audience that can relate to me, yet won’t or cannot admit it to anyone else. You have your own way of expressing yourself in a vivid manner, so you don’t need explictness. I am just using my blog the way I originally intended for it to be used – to anonymously speak out about real issues that conservative society are too uptight to confront or talk about. I believe that you are doing the same; using your blog for what you intended, that is. What matters to me is that there are people like you & outinthedark that appreciate my style & motives, in whatever context I present.

    I agree that males do have an ego issue that keeps them from being more personal or emotional. I don’t believe that that is my friend’s issue though. We joke with one another about “dating each other,” but never to the point of mentioning sexual-related acts with one another. That would just be too awkward…for the both of us, I think, especially since him & I really don’t find ourselves thinking about sex in general. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him either. He’s not a megane-ko & I already have a sweetheart XD So, in essence, I’m simply curious about my own gratification that has no strings attached, but would be experimental with him, and a release of my “shackles” for me. The emotional pain has subsided for now, but the desire to be freed from societial “rules” remains. I’m 19, & my sweetheart is 20, by the way ^^;

    Thanks for clearing up that bit of confusion. I did think those students were guys that were in your class back in SG.


    You really do sound much like I was back in my younger years. I never liked labels or labeling, so I always tried to keep myself open & let the person create an interpersonal “label” for themselves that would determine whether I could be around them or not. Although, I don’t seem to understand how society has placed you in a group of “frustrated teens.”

    I think the word you might have been pining for is “alienation,” or the feeling/sense of it. I dealt with a divorce as well, and that severely messed up my emotive patterns and changed me into a cold, angry individual. I am quite distant from my family when it comes to conversation & affection because they were the cause of my estranged attitude. I wasn’t homeschooled, however, and I’m glad I wasn’t. I certainly did feel like an outcast of sorts. I used to have jokes made about me that I would one day kill everyone in my school. I was obviously a silent individual & only my current best friends knew how difficult my life was back then, but I don’t consider myself “labeled” by society as a teen who is frustrated with the world or how I turned out. I would think that if I would conceive such thoughts, that I would be the one labeling myself, since I surely did not broadcast my pain and suffering to them.

    I will keep writing as long as I have the content to share. You do seem to have a strong desire to keep your hopeful future children from what you went through, and may still be dealing with. I can relate to both sides, so I do wish you the best in that. Society never makes things simple in any arena, but at least there are those who refuse to simply fall in line with it.

    Thank you both for your comments.

  6. It always seemed wherever I went I was like treated special because I didn’t have a mom…stupid stuff like that…

    I duno if you in college yet but yea from what I hear from my roomates and classemates it’s exactly like high school…

    One girl and like 40 guys around her…

    If you could see our school and all the artsy kids like me and then go not even 5 mins down the road to UCF and it’s like black and white…day and night…

    When I was in this “homschool organization”…mainly went there for music and got good enough to actually do something (now my bari sax is on my shelf…) and go places…the entire organization was like evolved around the symphonic band and my own sax quartet group…it seemed like I could get away with everything…I think one thing that turned me off to relationships is I have a good friend who is now 22 but at the time I mean were good friends why does anything or anybody think that things have to progress…I mean I hope when I do find myself a girlfriend I’m actually best friends with her…that I developed that kind of trust and freindship before even thinking two steps ahead…thats just my opinion and feelings because I don’t want it just to be anybody because someone said we look good together (generealising…stupid things in general…). One thing I detest is the word like to describe your feeling for someone…I’ve never used it and when someone says it to me I kinda just turn the other way and dont think much about it…I duno maybe it’s just me and my nitpicking…but I really don’t want to hear from someone that they are half-hearted in their decision…maybe that’s also why I don’t have a girlfriend…hmmh…who knows I’m comtempt right now…for the most part…

    What is the definition of megane-ko…?

    Also I’m just as old as you…if not older…depends on when you were born…

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