**NOTE: This is a Sexuality-based entry & will contain mature content. I’m not held responsible for the influence or conceptualization that anyone makes of this, as this is my domain, & I’ve long since made it clear the content I blog about.**
My mother asked me what was Wrong with me.
I could not hide my pain, but I Said nothing.
That was surely not the right Question at all.
My mother asked me why are You looking that way.
I could conceal my introverted Thoughts because
That was not the right question.
My mother asked me was there Something Bothering me.
I could not destroy my Heartache, so I told a half-truth.
That was almost the right question,
But I could never tell her that… – Ren’Ai
What was the half-truth? I’m worried about returning back to college. I always do, so it was very easy to spit out that answer to get her away from me. However, that obviously was not what was bothering me this morning.
The weight of society’s expectations now press down upon me and have been doing so since last night. I suppose it is a good thing that I have taken up a pasttime of mine – text roleplaying – in Megatokyo Forums as a .Hack Player, but even then, just having to live as not fully myself in this claustrophobic society is enough to have me keep away from such things. I would think that the fantasy of one of my most favorite anime concepts would draw me in deeper, but no. I keep my distance from it, and everyone else, sitting…thinking…wondering if what the voice in my soul is telling me is the right thing. The sweet, energetic voice – possibly voices – of my soul spoke to me again last night…emploring me to stop playing a role that isn’t mine; to break the chains of what society DEMANDS me to be, and let that voice in me roam free. Dare I share our “verbal” exchange…?
Why not? I am Ren’Ai, the no-holds-barred, brusque, & risque megane-ko blogger. Who gives a fuck if anyone thinks I need a psychiatrist…Who gives a shit if you think I’m making this up…
[Voice]: “Don’t you think your guy friend is kinda cute?”
[Ren’Ai]: “Here and there…why?”
[Voice]: “Why don’t you try to get close to him…? I know you’ve imagined giving him a blowjob before.”
[Ren’Ai]: “I have…and thanks to you, I’m doing it again…but no. I’m not like that…”
[Voice]: “You just want to be affectionate with him. You like spending time with him, ne?”
[Ren’Ai]: “Yes, but…no. He’s not like that. I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
[Voice]: “He knows who you are, inside. You’re me. So why does it matter who you are affectionate with and who you prefer?”
[Voice]: “Why do you keep allowing society to dictate who you are? Haven’t you changed? Haven’t you awakened to the possible truth? Don’t you see what your ‘role’ very well may be? Don’t you find yourself disgusted with being judged just by the way you look. You’re even judged by the way you act. You are kept captive…and the only people who know a good bit of who you are are your cute megane-ko friend you hug on every chance you get, and your guy friend that with an understanding attitude, jokes with you about your ‘role.’ “
[Ren’Ai]: “It’s…not fair…”
[Voice]: “No. It isn’t.”
I awoke with similar thoughts of my sexuality…thoughts that I could never share with my mother or father, not that my father is around to have them shared with. Everyone is supposed to be one and not the other. I’m already one way – I am attracted to megane-ko. [For me], to be anything else is a lie, and we have enough dishonest individuals in our society already. I was supposed to be going somewhere with my guy friend this morning, but he still hasn’t called me up. Most likely still asleep. I wish he would have been on time so I didn’t have to deal with my mother actually catching my demeanor that I easily feign effortlessly.
This time though…it was just too much. Not enough tug on my heart to cry either. And waking up with it…just made it more difficult to be that fucking part that I usually play around everyone. I suppose that’s a good thing though…even if no one knows my soul other than my two best friends.
Don’t try to figure it out either. I’m enough of an enigma to everyone else, so I’d rather stay as such.