Pulling the trigger

Kaori Yanase - from Variable GeoWhen I release the safety lock of my innate desires, placing myself in an all-encompassing oneness with my own body, all is well for that short period of time. I have full reign over what I do and how I express myself through my body in the privacy of my own quarters. It is my body; I do what I please with it. I would never degrade it, or allow it to be placed in a position where its value would be compromised by the likes of others. I treat it well, and, for a time, I see no harm in engaging myself in intimacy – the seamless, solid connection between flesh, soul, & mind – given the heated, impassionate lust I feel for my own skin; the comfort I gain from my own shell; my freedom to tease and tweak myself until I am satisfied.

But then…why do I become guilt-ridden after all is said and done? Why should I feel any sort of remorse or shame for what I had done willingly – albeit, lost in the shadow of my own temptation? Then again, it wasn’t even all about the temptation of my fingertips gliding against my thigh.

All I wanted…was to pull the trigger in my consciousness so that I could sleep for a few hours before awaking again to do some required reading. Maybe even get that MMOG to work somehow and play for a bit while the bandwidth of hundreds of other users came to a standstill in the silence of the night.

But no…

I pulled the trigger and I got a fucking dud. I can’t even pleasure myself enough to pass out for a little while. Maybe because I see the whole idea of doing such acts as “sinful” or “improper usage of my own body.” No…more like “I don’t see the point in self-gratification anymore.” After being directly, as well as intrinsically, corrupted at such a young, innocent age…tallying that up with years of random self-searching, self-experimentation, and just the monotonous, unconscious pulling of the trigger, it really does nothing for me anymore but make me feel dirty and miserable. I think I wind up staying awake after it sometimes, like right now >_> , just so I can beat myself up. I’ve said time and time again: “This will be the LAST fuckin’ time I do this!” And guess what…it wasn’t. Old experimental pleasures that were never meant to become habits die fuckin’ hard.

But why should they not? It’s my body and I’m not hurting it or putting it in danger of disease or unwanted premarital intercourse like the thousands of other sex-driven, I-love-him/her-&-going-to-marry-them, OMGIPWNZ0RZJ00INS3X0RZ!!!!!11111 fucking (pun intended) fools out there, young and old. I’m just being affectionate with what I have been given. I guess it’s the principle…or some shit like that.

So sad…At 4:36AM with having work in 4 hours and not a wink of sleep, it doesn’t really matter now does it?

— An insignificant thank you to Daniel who comments on my entries. It is appreciated that at least one person reads when I do blog.


2 thoughts on “Pulling the trigger

  1. you’re welcome. i enjoy reading your blog so it’s only fair that i reciprocate.

    yup, what you’re mentioning here is really controversial, but i can definitely identify with what you’re going through.

    though i’m not too comfortable about saying much. you’ve got guts!

    i guess there are many factors for having such inclinations. for me prayer helps in abstinence, but even that doesn’t guarantee it.


  2. Thanks for the compliment, but it’s not about guts. I only say what needs to be said at that given moment. How it comes out is totally out of my hands – I’m not about to hold certain connotations or allusions back for the sake of “the public” – though I do have some tact when it comes down to it.

    You’re right. Prayer doesn’t guarantee it. It’s biological. We are made to want to feel those inhibitions. If we remain virgins until marriage, then why not get to know our own bodies in the process?

    Good to know that you enjoy reading & can even identify with my tendencies. Wonder how others would react if I got as big as Xiaxue. Then again, if I did, then there would be no need to wonder, now would there?

    Oh, and good luck on your whatever testing you may have left to do. You seem pretty blah over them.

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