I’ve been pretty quiet since a previous incident. Not so much socially, but emotionally. It’s not something I think I can control, but it’s been nice just to get away from everyone and everything and really come to grips with my own thoughts and needs as an individual. For example, the utter relief I experienced when I quit the “ignorance is bliss” crap, and accepted the dire error in my ways with the megane-ko I was involving myself with. No, it was not a simple hurdle to leap over, but I did, and I don’t regret it. Not one bit.
Things could be a hell of alot worse for me. I could probably whip up a few fictional scenarios of how to prove that statement, but I’ll just go with the actual ones that come to mind at this moment.
I could still be swimming in my own self-made pool of heartache and sin with that megane-ko and be dreading each day I live like I was. I could be lying in a pool of my own blood…but that’s highly unlikely…though fate is a funny entity. Moving on, I could be crying myself to sleep at night because I am lonely and want to fall in love – the love that is true, honest, and hardly based off of how much I want to fuck them. I could still be under the heavy influence of the reading materials I have had to read for college, but I no longer am. I could be stressing over the megane-ko I DO have a heartfelt longing for, but I have been satisfied just from the opportunities I’ve had this past weekend to be in her presence for a few hours.
I’m starting to think too hard for that list. So, I’ll spare you of any more of my spurts of random, carefree thought. Didn’t really have much of a reason to blog – that seems to be the trend with me lately – but what can I say? I wanted to get some things down. I’m doing a lot better here than I should be doing in my personal pen-and-paper journal. I’ve been more stressed, upset, irritated, confused, etc., etc. in the past week and a half than I have been in years, I think. Didn’t even consider touching myself until last night because of all that other crud floating around in my mind that should have never existed. It was nothing that good ol’ apathy and seclusion couldn’t fix. But really, letting her go was the best thing I could have done. Fate surely dealt me a beautiful card the day after that all happened with me spending time with that other megane-ko and her friends.
I wish I knew that she gave a damn how much fun I had with her. She’s definitely one of the few people who make me smile every time I look at her. She’s lively; has a beautiful face with lovely, shoulder-length black hair that only Asians have; very much beyond my book smarts; a great conversationalist. I could care less about feeling her up or making love with her under dim lights. She’s just…amazing. When I don’t get “hot and bothered” by being near someone I honestly would give anything to call my own, that is how I KNOW my heart is in the right place. Thing is, she looks at me at a certain way that I don’t think I could ever change because of who I am. Maybe she will come around and get a bit curious about me…I don’t know.
Something is going to happen one way or another. The painful thing is, what will happen is hardly up to me. Meh, I’ll get by.