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I wish that among all the badass-like qualities that I have, which successfully systematically keeps people from getting closer than I want them to be, would conceal the sheer innocence that I reluctantly cannot escape from. I’ve always been something of the submissive type; to be dominated and coerced into performing some sort of action or saying something I would rather not. However, when it gets to the point where you are uneasy about being on an uninhabited floor of an aged building, in a fairly small classroom where feng shui is definitely not in effect, alone with your graying boss that is more than twice your age, I start to wonder if the aura of submissiveness that I unconsciously project is all that safe.
I was about to enter the class room that I described, in order to hook up some equipment that I was assigned to, when my boss comes out of nowhere and opens the door for me. My reaction was obviously “WTF?” but he’s my boss; let him do what he wants. My WTF state jumped two notches when he entered the room with me. Now, I’ve been doing this job for some time now and I did not need any assistance, especially with the equipment that I had with me. I was very insulted to say the least, but, of course, I just went along with it. I moved one table that was in the way…and then he moved it next to the other one he had moved. Call me a stickler for respect and common sense, but once again, I was a bit offended. Anyway, I went about my business, dealing with wires and such, as my boss just kinda hovered around the equipment, looking it over. He unplugged the power cord I had inserted just to take a very loose knot out of it. Then he brought to my attention a missing shelf inside the casing of the equipment.
How so very observant of him. ::rolls eyes::
At that point, I just wanted to get out of there, but I had yet to test the network connectivity. When I finally had the opportunity to turn on everything, including the video projector, my boss takes the liberty of turning out the lights in the classroom; I guess he wanted to see the projected image of the computer clearer, even though the exact same image was on the computer’s monitor… This is where the gripping apprehension began to settle in. The blinds in the room were still closed and today has a heavy overcast. So…it was very dark in the room. I was able to keep my distance without appearing obvious until he was done doing fairly menial tasks, but my eyes remained averted and my voice, when spoken to, soft and succinct.
This all happened in a matter of seven or so minutes, but it felt much more drawn out, especially how “carefully slow” he was doing everything. What upset me the most was that I had no way of combating these threatening vibes that I was probably generating myself. My edgy, stay-the-fuck-away-from-me aura was being overridden by my sweet, I-want-to-be-undermined persona. That is clearly the wrong horn to be tooting in a situation like that, but believe me, even in a state like that, I can still defend myself if necessary.
On the upside, I started fantasizing again about my friend…he really is a sweetheart that I wouldn’t mind submitting to…once in a while, hehe. Haven’t spoken to him in over a week though because of a megane-ko I was interested in. Now that things have settled down between her and I, I am starting to find myself incompatible with her, personality-wise. I need my space, not often inclined to hyper-happiness, and tend to be pensive most of the time, unless I am with someone I find fun company. She is the opposite, and has this idealistic belief that she can awaken those characteristics in me just by being around me. It doesn’t work that way with me. Never has. Never will. My interests are falling-out, and my eccentric, often embraced psychiatric preference of living a quiet, reclusive life is becoming my “shiny thing.” This intangible constricting force around my psyche is even more prominent than the uneasiness I felt when in that dark classroom with my boss.
I am not content with this. Megane-ko or not. Something will break loose in me soon. I just don’t know how devastating it will be.
Why can’t I make up my fucking mind…? I hate this shit…