You cannot hear my screams and I become deaf to the world…

The days just continue to wail on my emotions, like a baseball bat to bulletproof glass. I do not crumble – I may crack – but the pain does not cease to shake my desires to break and be done with it.

What the hell is with me and my coincidential confrontations with people who I could potentially have something with? They don’t stop. Almost every other day, I’m meeting some person I’ve never met before, or getting to know someone that I barely knew before. All the while, I am connecting with them in some manner…and it fucking sucks!

I don’t want anybody, but yet I do want somebody. Everyone wants somebody. That’s natural human instinct; to feel, to experience, to understand and to be understood is a given. I supress myself from feeling, but every time I turn around, there is some cute megane-ko or some studious Asian that catches my attention. Looks aren’t even that important to me, but there is no way to chain those face-value assets down until I can have a civilized conversation with them…

…which usually never, ever happens. Or if it does, I make myself out to be a complete baka who can only blurt out a simple “hello.”

It’s pitiful.

It’s heartwrenching.

It’s fucking stupid, and it’s driving me up the wall.

And the most painful part is: I don’t have a soul my age to help me cope with this… I keep hinting to my “Housemate That Somewhat Understands Me” that I could really use his company…just to talk, but he is always with his girlfriend these days. He’s never in his room. I tell him this over and over again. Elude to it time and time again. I even invited him to come see a movie with me. He never came. I’m tired of trying with him. Anime should NOT be our only connection or reason for indepth conversation. He does not seem to hear me…

I would never talk about my feelings to my “Over-Analytical Housemate” because his view on relationships and how to treat someone are nearly pure opposites from each other. He would never understand my heart in that context. I can only laugh at his jokes, and be a supportive asset to him; I made a promise to him last year that my friendship with him would not be transient. For now, I have done well to keep this vow…

…but that still leaves me.

Recently, I have reconnected myself with a close friend of mine who once liked me very much. We have both been caught up in our lives and, according to his YIM offline message to me, have both been troubled by various difficulties in our lives. The only difference between us is: he found a lover. I lost whom was considered to be my lover, but probably never was. I have made the time to connect with him…in hope that maybe we can share some nights on the phone together again as we once did during my last winter break. I identify very much with him; he is bi, and love each other as friends deeply – he just now told me this. Just seeing those words…and remembering the sound of his voice of how he spoke to me when I was the one with a “lover,” and he was not, arouses me; I have even fantasized of being with him…affectionately and sexually. Ignoring the fact that I thought he had forgotten about me, or that I felt I needed to be away from him…or that I consided myself to have ceased to exist in his world, he is the only person that I’m not afraid to bear my heart and soul to. He is the only one who has ever been fully honest with his emotions & feelings towards me and told me how much he cared, and still apparently cares, for me.

I can only hope he has the time to listen, and that I have the opportunity to share. He can hear me…and right now, I desperately need to be heard…


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