Alice: Dancer of Fate

The longer I stay in this body, the more I question myself.

I have never labeled a book evil before…until this one

I suppose this book has a myriad of facts, opinions, relevancy, and appeal to me as an individual; an individual who is gaining too much knowledge on the issue of sexuality at once, thus initiating a manner of introversive reflection of my past and every action that has molded me into who I am today. I am not benefitting from this at all. It’s only upsetting me to the point of not wanting to do the reading, or the paper, or the 15 hours of required service. It is all too much, and I have long since been hating attending that class more fervently because of it.

What more is there to say?

I once again succumbed to the unescapable sex drive and fondled myself again last night. My effeminent desires had their way with my body. If only there were a way to turn this horrible thing off…I don’t want to be in a sleepless state whereas the only means for mental release is taking my trembling fingers to my wanting body; to my underdeveloped breasts; to the overwhelming, disturbing pleasure between my thighs. I don’t want it! Those meaningless, frivolous actions are only constricting my soul into reassuring myself of who I really am, when in reality, I am torn. I am unable to be pleasured as I “believe” I should be…

Is there such a thing as living a lie? Is there such a thing as tricking yourself into believing falsified reality? I’ve simply said to myself over and over again: “I am who I am.” And I believe that wholeheartedly.

Then what is the problem? I like who I am, and I don’t need to change for anyone. Escape is not a necessity.

I just want to be me. My feminine characteristics. My masculine characteristics. Yet, I have always identified with females more than males. I prefer their company, but more times than not, I am not invited into their circle. Why?

I am not considered feminine enough, when, in fact, I disagree and always have.

“You seek the truth…come with me, and I will show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes.” – Morpheus – The Matrix

I want to know…if I am truly Alice, living in an artificial truth that I have inherently induced and seduced my psyche – and have been induced and seduced into by society and by my unique biochemistry – into accepting and clinging to above all else.

I, Ren’Ai, fear becoming Alice…but the possibility of that prospective, for me, could be almost as exhilarating as the moment right before making unadulterated love.

Seeing as how I have never made love to anyone before, this sensation is even more frightening.


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