I feel like writing now.
I feel like being a creative soul.
I feel like putting obscure words that will have no meaning a week from now for the world to see.
Feelings suck. I’ve had it up to neck-height – that isn’t very high, as I am only 5’5″ish – with feelings. This is something that I don’t think I will ever understand, nor ever take complete control over. My feelings exist regardless of how much I beat them and kick its lifeless, intangible form into the crevices of my twisted psyche. I care a lot. More than most souls on this earth. It tears me apart when my floormate gets close to me just to show me something and all I can do is blush and make up some unconventional excuse in my brain that says “You are blushing because you are thinking about that megane-ko you saw today.” It couldn’t POSSIBLY be because I have an attraction to this person who would never EVER – even if they weren’t straight – become uneasy in my presence.
What the hell. Pisses me the fuck off.
Now I’m reading all this technical literature about sexuality and it’s making me have all these awkward thoughts that I could really do without. I like that megane-ko back in my bubble of acceptable suburbia life away from school, but that doesn’t make me any less of what I am. I know who I am better than anyone. I have searched deeply within myself more than most sane persons care to do. I am very much aware that I can come off as feminine and masculine at times, but that doesn’t change me. That doesn’t make me any less of what I have come to accept of my choices in life.
I just want to shelter myself from the world and have some time with someone I love. Yes, I can be masculine at times, but I prefer my effeminent ways overall. Either way, Ren’Ai is who I am, and I love being Ren’Ai, despite my own clashing, double-minded, incongruous thought patterns.
A story for the passer-by:
I once wanted to fall in love with a claimed lesbian. Even after a month of talking with her, sharing secrets with her, letting her know that I have never had a lover before, and a variety of competitive games with her. She became more adept at chess because of me. I even stayed up almost all night for many nights at a time when she was sick, hurt in a car accident, and frightfully alone. Even so…she still turned me down. I was not “feminine” enough for her. I wanted to be with her, and I, Ren’Ai, time and time again, suffered dejection from her heart because of her cold, almost emotionless demeanor that I felt drawn to, like a hand to a blue flame.
My feelings were burned…and there was, and still is, no one to handle them with the care they deserve. All I become is a slave to my own feelings, and a fool to my own denial.